Truths

Truths

The four noble truths

of an ancient belief

are mirrored in

one from mine:

Thou shalt let go of desire.

Dreams of the future

are only a shadowed hope

in the light of now.
Let go of desire.

The ancient truth

of a fictional belief

daily lived by

a child of mine:
Fear is the Mind-killer.

Caution holds me still

Regrets and desperate fear –

Stride forth anyway...

Fear is the mind-killer.

The inner truth

of a hard-won belief –
to hold back wrongful

actions of mine:
Love must be a warming fire.

Like a golden light

arising from within us,

love flows around me
–
Love is a warming fire.

The final truth

of my heart’s belief,
my daughter’s voice

at one with mine:

Love is the soul-healer.

Love grows in safety,

in peaceful comfort mellows

to gentle balance;
Love is the soul-healer.

Tying together the ends...

As 2009 draws to a close, I have been reflecting on several threads of thought and conversations – from this past week and the past year – which have recently begun to weave together into a focus...

A while back, Sara and I had a conversation about "What is love?" and recently, girlfriends wondered if I was dating yet. Chats with another friend have touched on winning and competition within a friendship, or a marriage.

Merging with these thoughts are conversations with Jake about making friends. Jake believes that reality is the great litmus test: If someone sees who he is and doesn't like that, it is good to know up front so he can move on to find someone more suited to a friendship with him. So much harder (but ultimately more simple) than contorting to fit what you think the other wants and needs.

He and I are fans of the original Dune novels -- a maxim from the books which Jake lives daily is "Fear is the mind-killer." We can sit in the dark in fear, or step out (still afraid) and see what happens next. I've done both. I guess mathematically, it makes sense to step out and see what happens. Something will. And you've got the fear with you no matter what.

Then, talks about buddhism, meditation, philosophy, and the converging thoughts between several important belief systems (and described in the Dalai Lama conversation "Destructive Emotions") are helping me understand that strong desires or overpowering pride can create a negative vortex. Ambition, planning, hopes, love -- all these can be very good emotions and tools. But each also can lead to actions that are not helpful. And can actually get in the way of seeing the beauty in front of us now.

Jake's Axiom #4 is a perfect summation: The means don't justify the ends.

I think, maybe, love is about balance. Not about "completing" another, but about being in balance with another. So maybe love is a partnership where each partner "wins" – where they are not in competition with each other. And where each reflects back the best in the other.

And, no, I am not dating yet. But if I do, I think I'll be aware of what I need in a relationship, and where I might go wrong. Not cautious or afraid. Just aware.

I am enjoying deep and meaningful friendships, something I wasn't really good at until recently. Maybe I was so unbalanced, I couldn't really reach out for fear of tipping over. Maybe I was afraid of being rejected. Maybe I was too practiced at holding it all in. At any rate, I am happy now. And maybe more importantly, I am content.

May you all find peace and balance in your own lives...

Thanksgiving III

My new Tradition, which I invented this year, is to treat Thanksgiving like other favorite Jewish Holidays. Sukkot, Pesach (Passover), Hanukah, Rosh HaShannah all have several key components in common: Family and friends, food, and multiple nights for several celebrations. Passover, a seven-day holiday, is often referred to as Pesach I, Pesach II, Pesach III, etc. It is perfectly legitimate to attend a Passover Seder on one night with a friend, and host your own on another night.

I like that. Spreading the holiday over many nights and across many Venn Diagram Circles of Friends.

Thus, we held Thanksgiving III on Saturday, after joining extended family for Thanksgiving I in Seattle.

I plan to always hold Thanksgiving III on the Saturday following Thanksgiving I at Hopeful Farms. Mark your calendars now. You are all invited.

Kim

giving selfishly

giving selfishly

who looks outward, dreams

who looks inward, awakens
(carl jung)

a simple plaque in a store window
a simple phrase to ponder
reminds me to put aside
my five-year-plans
to examine the past fortynine

and to realize
that I am not alone
and that receiving help
is not weakness
that strength
comes from
helping hands
embracing arms
and open hearts

and to understand
that my children
are no longer children
and that the best gift
I can offer them
is a helping hand
and embracing arms
and an open heart

and to let them know
that those gifts
from me to them
are inviolate
and irrevocable

and to remind them that
they are not alone
that receiving help
is not weakness
and sharing themselves
their real selves
(without the happydance)
with someone
is the most selfish
most wonderful
human experience
to gift another

and to gift themselves

So I’ve been thinking...

So I've been thinking...

Clara used to say that, which always elicited an “oh oh” look from Fred. But, whether or not my thoughts cause that Oh Oh feeling in others, they sometimes do in me.

Sometimes I avoid meditation and over-fill my time so I can ignore issues I should address. A good friend of mine seems to sense when I haven’t been reflecting or asking myself hard questions, and somehow always has the perfect book to force introspection. And then he follows up with the questions I have been avoiding.

The latest Rx in the Bibliotherapy, which I just returned, was “Destructive Emotions” – the record of a week-long conversation between the Dalai Lama and leading scientists around convergence in understanding the neurology and spirituality of emotions, and the idea that even “good” emotions can be overwhelming, and become destructive.

So, I’ve been thinking. About love. About pride and expectations. About random pieces of old conversations with Jake and Sara. And the stereotype of the overbearing Jewish mother. And I wonder if Jake or Sara feel that my pride in them is dependent on a certain GPA, a particular career, some pre-defined life path.

I hope not. I’ll be sure to tell them that I am proud of who they are, not what they do. Because I can see the potential to develop a contorted happy-face dance. That would be very sad. That would be Pride turned Destructive.

Made me think….

There's a poem bubbling on this, but I need to find some time to meditate...

A perfect Autumn day...

Looking west along the dog-run, my North Woods are on the right, filled with deer and turkeys. And we saw a small black bear in the neighborhood a few months ago.

Life is good.

Words to live by...

I've been in Anchorage the past three days, co-leading a training to 60+ educators. Good people, interesting work. As I was packing for the trip, Jake called. Now and then, Jake will call late at night, and we'll have a classic sherman conversation -- wide-ranging and full of tangents that all seem to link back to some central theme. or two or three.

Jake is a researcher of human motivations -- Sara has said that he is like an alien sent to research Humans. Jake is very skilled in analyzing motivations and avoidances in others, and has developed an amazing list of Axioms to describe his discoveries (which seem to be corollaries of his tag line "--Don't be afraid.")

One of his Axioms is "Nothing changes for no reason." I think that is true. Sometimes, a change will be beyond one's control; what is within one's control is how one responds to that change. But I suspect that most of the changes in my life were influenced by my own actions (and sometimes by my inactions). And I do tend to have an always current, often updated, 5 year plan.

Jake and I have also been talking about careers. My advice to him has been to think in terms of doing something that is interesting to him for 2 to 5 years, and then look around for something more interesting. Could be in the same field, or a sharp left turn.

Sort of like my own career. I didn't start out 25 years ago with an ambitious goal to be a university professor and an expert in assessing students with severe cognitive delays. I kept chasing interesting opportunities: working with children from abuse, teaching, systems change, teacher coaching, state consulting, state level work, teacher preparation teaching, district level administration, and finally here. I paused for 2 to 5 years at each waystation; although all are in education, each step and project and job was a little fork in the road.

Jake is writing again (one of his paths), and is making plans to live in China for awhile, teaching English and learning Mandarin. And, I suspect, studying the humans there...

Two more of Jake's axioms that feel true to me:

"Do something that scares you."

and "The means don't justify the ends."

"Don't be afraid" is sort of his anchoring philosophy; I have witnessed Jake's bravery and never cease to be impressed with him. And though I am not yet without fear, I have been learning to move ahead anyway.

Good enough for now, for me...

Moving on

Sara and I switched our cell phone service on Friday, from ATT to Verizon (but our cell numbers are the same as before).

We used to be on Verizon, until Dave got the iPhone a year before our divorce. ATT is an inferior service provider, but because he switched, I was stuck with ATT until this past August, when the two-year contract finally ended. ATT has zero service at my house. Verizon has full service.

So we switched. And upgraded our phones. Sara has the Envy, a touch-screen beauty with a flip top and good sized keyboard, and beautiful resolution. I upgraded to the Blackberry, a smart-phone which receives email and internet. It's not the iPhone, but a very good second. And President Obama has a Blackberry. There are rumors that Verizon may sign a deal with Apple to carry the iPhone, so I can wait.

It is a small thing, choosing my own cell service and getting cool phones, but it is one more step away from my past. And now, when I am chain-sawing, I can call 9-1-1 from any corner of my property.

Moving On

Each step

each decision

each change in my life

takes me further away

from who I was.

Further from anger

and resentment

and blame.

Toward a deeper understanding

of my purpose and my path

of my values and my self.

Kim

October 27, 2009

The best things in life are free...

James Taylor sings a song called "That's why I'm here" about purpose and connection and helping -- I've been thinking lately about why I am here. And about cost versus value.

My priorities seem the same now as 20+ years ago: Jake and Sara, extended family, friends. And though I really enjoy the work I do for the UO and for Alaska, work is a means to an end. I am lucky enough to be fully employed, to earn good money, to live in a beautiful place and to have the critters I adore. But work is not why I'm here.

Though I earn enough to pay my bills (usually) and do some fun things with Jake and Sara now and then, I'm scaling back on the extra stuff. Each time I have a choice between a pretty new dress or a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant or time with Jake or Sara or friends, I consider my priorities. Jake and Sara always win that consideration, and friends are a very close second.

But I am discovering ways to do really fun things for free -- Sara and I listened to the Bonnie Raitt concert at the Cuthbert in early September. Just behind the ampitheater's fence is a very large grassy field. We took the Wolfhounds and one of the Jacks and sat under the stars enjoying the music. With about a hundred like-minded folks. And I was able to watch the Ducks walk all over the Bears at Autzen stadium, again for free. I helped Michelle as a volunteer food server in the Clubhouse; the hours I worked were credited to Michelle's son for soccer travel.

And the money I save helps Jake and Sara.

And that's why I'm here.

A Cabin in the Woods

laughter in the breeze

sunshine caught in golden leaves

redtailed squirrel's joy

l'Shanah Tovah

The time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is an opportunity for Jews to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged. A chance to say "I'm sorry, and I love you." Tonight is the start of Yom Kippur; on this day, Jews fast in order to become closer to G-d, and we petition G-d to forgive us from our promises and our transgressions. (See "Kol Nidrei" in Wikipedia for an interesting summary of the difficulties this has caused Jews in the past...)

The weeks following the "Days of Awe" (Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur), Jews begin to rejoice in the "Days of Joy" (Sukkot and Simchat Torah) – celebrations of the cycle of life and the cycle of the Torah.

A friend and I have been e-chatting about the similarities between prayer and journal writing, and in my case, meditation. Each affords quiet time to reflect and to reach some self-understandings. Sometimes, we reflect on aspects of our past that we wish we could have done over, done better.

And he described a cycle in adult relationships that feels true: "...defining oneself, losing oneself, reclaiming oneself... until the next wave, the next merging..."

Waves

Sometimes,
late at night
as I snuffle through

a sappy chick flick
  

I pause
and wonder
I maybe shoulda
I coulda woulda
  

Blink back
memories
hardened to his needs
too stressed to feel
  

I stop
and admit
that I made mistakes,
though I did my best 
  

Wipe dry
regret’s tears
life is what it is
what will it become?
  

And smile
inner joy
thoughts of those I love
I face the new day.
  

Today is one of my favorite days...

Although 9/11 has taken on an ominous meaning, for our family it is a day of joy -- Jake was born on 9/11.

Sometimes, Nature and Man seem to conspire to put a damper on joy; Jake's special day seems to be primed for that conspiracy. On 9/11/92, Hurricane Iniki (a category 4 storm) hit Hawai'i. We lived on the Windward side of O'ahu, and had minimal damage, though Kaua'i was devastated. Jake's 5-year-old birthday party was postponed, while neighbor helped neighbor prepare for the storm -- taping windows, bringing in lawn furniture, double checking our hurricane supply boxes. We made it up to him later that month.

Then, the morning of his 14th birthday, he awoke to a world gone a little dark, and his parents immobilized to the news reports. We did manage to pull ourselves together in time to take him to dinner with another friend who shared his birthdate. And a trip to Borders. We had his 14 1/2 birthday party on March 11th.

Now, Jake is 22, happily employed in Seattle with football season here.

22. wow.

good times.

The Scenic Route

A recent topic of conversation with Sara focused on children, parents, and parenting. She said "You get the kids you deserve." I said, "You get the kids you mold and nurture."

Perhaps it is the same thing.

Perhaps that is true of life events, too -- you get the life you deserve, because it is the life you grow and nurture.

Here

How did I end up here?

Which here?

How did I end up . . .

in Eugene?
single after a lifetime married?
alone?

The short answer is “Because.”

The long answer starts with a question:
“Where else could I have ended, so I can (re)begin?”

Is there divine intervention, or a preordained path that guides me?

Or do I make my own fate? and when did that fate begin?

The two-year-old baby who became Jake once asked me:

if he had been born to another mother,
how long did I think it would have been
until I found him?

. . . . a beautiful thought . . . . .

Maybe we choose our fate before we are born.

Maybe we choose our fate when we choose our values
and (despite temptations) live those values day by day

integrity
honesty
consistent hard work
compassion

love.

So that, when our road seems to dead-end,
those values light an alternate path

lined with friends

paved with a reputation

landscaped with possibilities.

and So. Here I am. here is where I am supposed to be today.

Tomorrow? that’s another story…

. Kim
. August, 2009

Summer

A dear old friend visited for two days... reminiscing, making sense of life's events, and accepting. One of my worries, as I contemplated divorce a while back, was that friends I've known for 30 years would not understand or would not care to understand, and would "choose sides."

So far, that hasn't been the case. I am filled with a serenity and a sense of belonging.

Sitting on my deck, enjoying the wildlife and the domestic critters that inhabit my little slice of Eugene, my life is pretty nearly perfect.

Summer Peace

breathe deep, summer air
golden warmth caresses me
bare skin rejoices

Full circle...

A recent conversation about melancholy with Jake has me thinking about patterns and change and looking back...

In the last week of this month, I turned 49 (a good thing) and marked the one year anniversary of my divorce. And attended the life celebration of a friend.

And though I am crafting a life of balance and peace, I have these periods of – umm – thought. Times when I find myself pulling in and away, and letting my thoughts wash over me. I'm okay with these down times, and I think that a life of pure joy would be too exhausting.

Melancholy

Wrapped in sadness, I let my soul
drift in a roiling sea,
overcome by a storm that engulfs me.

Waves wash over and around me.
In the dark, I am tossed
on a cold ocean of doubts; I am lost.

No signal flare to call for help,
no proffered hand of hope
to calm the journey, no anchoring rope.

Now and again I dive into
my swirling sea of doubt,
embrace the sadness with a silent shout,

and swim alone in my own thoughts –
I wonder what might be
as darkened waters cleanse and set me free.

July 2009

Unfinished business

So I’ve been thinking… about unfinished business and unexpected life events. I think the saddest thing about Mars’ death is that he left this turn at life with unfinished business. I don’t mean bills unpaid, laundry undone. I mean the serious business of raising children well into their own, of resolving lost loves and reaffirming new friends (though Mars was a master at welcoming friends). Of reaching a point in your life when your death will be mourned and you will be missed, but there is nobody who regrets not having been able to have that heart-to-heart talk that leads to amends-making or deep understanding and connection. And when your children really know you, better than your friends know you.

Judaism has an annual holiday, Yom Kippur, designed to encourage these resolutions every year. The week between Rosh HaShannah and Yom Kippur, Jews seek forgiveness from those they have wronged. On Yom Kippur, we admit to G-d our digressions and affirm to do better next year.

Finished business includes making sure that the people you love know deeply that you love them. Beyond the words you say --

I think I am pretty close to that stage in my life… where I am wrapping up my last bits of unfinished business. I have things I’d like to do, adventures I’d like to have. Certainly I want to watch Jake and Sara grow into their futures -- they have great amounts of unfinished business, and watching them navigate through the temptations and side streets of life’s journey… watching them learn to be open and trusting with another, and to reach contentment… that will be a joy. But they will do these things even without my witnessing them.

I think David has some unfinished business, too. I have great compassion for the struggles I believe he is facing, and though I didn’t have the stamina to work through his journey of discovery with him, I hope he finds the secret to peace and happiness.

All I know is this: everything ends. And every day is another opportunity to show your loved ones how centrally important they are to you. And an opportunity to bring new friends into your life.

Kim

Shalom, Mars.

Transitions

A friend of mine will die today. Or maybe tomorrow.

He fell off his bicycle, not even going very fast. No helmet. And suddenly, this very vibrant, bigger-than-life, fill-a-room-with-his-personality man is lying in a hospital bed connected to tubes and machines, with no signs of brain activity.

I have no poem for this. No rhyme, no reason. The phrase "Rest in Peace" comes to mind, but apparently he is resting very peacefully. His friends and family, though, are struggling to make sense of a very sudden emptiness where once Marcellus Tryk was.

May they move through suffering to peace.

kim

Growing up is hard to do...

A friend and I have been chatting recently about the challenges facing our young people now. Surrounded by information, they struggle to make sense of the never-ending input, to separate the chaff from the wheat, understand the perspectives and biases of that information, and then piece it all together in some way that makes sense.

Apparently, two new life stages have been added to the old four (childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and old age). Now we also have "adultescense" and "active retirement".

Sara and Jake are fully immersed in the adultescense phase, or the "odyssey years" -- exploring the world and creating the synapses -- through trial and error -- to begin to make good decisions, decisions which will eventually play out over decades.

Sara had a few chances to exhibit adult decision-making skills lately. In one, she behaved much better than a 50 year old man and his wife. And yesterday, she found herself stranded with a broken car, an uncooperative AAA, and a need to get from southern Oregon to Eugene.

Of course, I'm proud of her. And tickled that she still calls me for advice or help. But mainly, I am at peace. She's safe, and smart, and growing up as a strong, independent young lady.

I am honored to bear witness to her journey.

Ahhh. Friends and family.

I spent a glorious week visiting my sister's family (in celebration of Kate's magnificent graduation from UCLA) and friends I first met when I was very young -- I'm at a very peaceful space where my family are friends and my friends are family. And during the week, my Lakers won the title, led by Phil Jackson. Oddly, even when Riley led the Lakers, I admired Jackson's style (on and off the court). Life is good.

While traveling about, I stopped at a Border's to borrow the internet, and the young girl at the table near me had "This too shall pass" tatooed across her shoulder. Two or so years ago, Jake and Sara and I all came upon this saying independently, and each recognized the power in its simple truth. The story is that King Solomon asked an advisor to find something that would help him remember in times of victory and plenty that hard times would follow, and in times of darkness and despair, that recovery was around the corner. As the deadline approached, the advisor asked a jeweler if such an object existed. The jeweler took a simple gold band and inscribed it with "gam zeh ya'avor" (This too shall pass).

Sara once shared her belief that we had to experience rain and sadness and hurt and pain so that sunshine and rainbows and love would feel that much more beautiful. I like that idea. And Jake often ends emails with the tag line " -- Don't be afraid."

As I learn more about myself and zen and buddhism and life, I am discovering that impermanence and change are the only stable elements. And that stress and pain happen when I fight against the inevitable or am afraid to take a particular action.

Gam zeh ya'avor

When I was twentyone

and we stood before our friends

I wish I'd known then what I know now ~~

Everything ends.

The secret to living

is to feel with all your heart

that every minute lived is joy;

Don't wait to start.

When hope and love are lost

and dreams are tattered lace --

This too shall pass, sped by a child's love

or friend's embrace.

I'm learning to live now

Almost fifty, no disguise.

I quiet my mind, open my heart

Smiles and soul-sighs.

What I know now -- a simple truth:

Don't hold back, don't hesitate

(fears of loss or hopes of better things)

Live now. Don't wait.

Kim

June, 2009

Moving Day

Last weekend is best summarized as: Furniture. Saturday morning to Dave's to pick up Jake and furniture, including the Pink Sofa Sleeper, which we bought for the house we re-built in San Marcos in the early 80's. I already had furniture in the trailer from my house... a gray comfy chair for Jake, brown chaise and a desk for Sara. We added the Pink Couch, a few bookshelves, boxes of dishes and stuff.

Then, Jake and I headed up to Portland to offload Sara's things (and toss one of the bookshelves, which disintegrated on the ride up). Then to Tacoma to finish packing Jake's room, vacuum, dust, etc. Then finally to Seattle. We got to his new place around 9:30, spent an hour unloading the furniture from the trailer, discovered that the Pink Couch wouldn't fit down the narrow stairs (back in the trailer) and that the 7 foot book case was about 4 inches too tall for the apartment.

Sunday, we finished unloading the boxes, bought some book cases and a coffee table from Valu Village and a sofa from Goodwill, cleaning supplies and food from Fred Meyers. Had a great lunch at an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet. And then I left the boy to settle in.

Back to Portland (the 7 foot book case fits in Sara's apartment), spent the night and left Monday (one more stop: deliver the Pink Couch to her friend's house in Tualatin).

One more trip this weekend to Portland with some more furniture for the girl, meet the roommate's family, and home for work Monday.

Moving Day

“Thanks for the help moving, ma,”

a young man once said to me.

Past and present and future –––

love’s prism merged the three.

A two-year-old’s philosophy

about birth and choice and love

“How long would it have been, ma,

‘til we found each other’s love?”

First day of school, not yet five,

I let go of his eager hand

And stopped a block away;

“Let me go, ma, like we planned.”

The years merged in a blur

of inner growth and outward growing

a solo air trip, boyscout, martial art

high school, college, my pride showing.

“Reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes,”

or the Talmud or a hitch hiker’s guide ~

philosophies from deeper sources.

The road less traveled, tried.

Not yet 21, journeys to other lands,

the young man ventured alone.

Studying others and fitting in…

Content by himself and on his own.

The big brother, protective,

guarding near and watching over

the little girl, a glowing light

with moths circling around her.

New life, new home, unpacked,

furniture and hopes, books and dreams.

Room to fill with memories

as he spreads his wings.

The details of his future

are now hidden from my eyes

But the timbre of his soul

rings clearly, without disguise.

“Thanks for the help moving, ma,"

a young man once said to me.

Past and present and future ---

love’s warmth envelopes me.

Off to explore the world

Jake graduated Sunday from the University of Puget Sound, with a Bachelor of Arts in Theater Arts. 

What's he going to do now? Whatever he wants to . . .

Not a baby, anymore

The babygirl turned 18 yesterday. And she was kind enough to let me spend time with her last night. sigh. Sara's poem...
 

Sara

My daughter, my friend
you are named for royalty and a bewitched jewel.

Hope

Your middle is a prayer
and a statement

a family tradition.

And like the gem that shares your name,
you are shining and bright,

brilliant and priceless.

Like the diamond,
you gather light from around you,
focus it and beam it out

                    into the darkest corner of a room and

             into the deepest reaches of my soul.

Mom

Just enough

A friend recently sent some "Glass is ...." one liners; you know, the optimist says, "The glass is half full." The pessimist sees it as half empty, the rationalist says, "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

In response to the many miracles chronicled in the Exodus story and celebrated in Passover, Jews the world over just finished singing praises of "Dayenu" (meaning: that would have been enough, or the glass is just right).

I know I've been guilty of filling my glass over-full for years at a time, and became skilled in mopping up as I continued to pour. In recent years, I've been learning the value of a life lived with space built in -- a half full glass allows air and quiet and reflection. And more time with people I love.

Just Enough

I am a glass, my soul made of water drops

added one by one;


each contributes its own flavor


and the pouring never stops.

Brother and sister at my side,

drops added as I ran wild.

Another added with each move –

and each new mask, carefully applied.

One drop was added to my cup

when he asked if I would marry him.

Others fell in a steady stream

school and jobs and keeping up.

A drop added as we made a home,

pieced together, bit by bit…

and then we left for greener grass

and coconuts and time alone.

A baby boy, many drops more.

Drops added on rainy days

and more yet, a baby girl ---

dripping-dropping on sunny shores.

Filling spaces in my heart,

drops fell as children grew.

More drops added

as he and I pulled apart.

A year of sad and bitter drops –

though unwanted, each just right,

adding to the flavor of my life,

and the filling never stops.

Grief and anger and salted tears,

the mixture rich and smooth.

Each drop creates a potion

and I overcame my fears.

Heart opens and soul sings…

sitting still, slowing down

worry becomes intrigue

drops glisten as day begins.

Good friends gather near

embracing affirming loving me

A rain shower fills my cup

as rainbows appear.

Each drop life can send,

Each day the glass grows,

Each drop that flows, I know:

Each drop is worth it in the end.

Kim

May 4, 2009