Full circle...

A recent conversation about melancholy with Jake has me thinking about patterns and change and looking back...

In the last week of this month, I turned 49 (a good thing) and marked the one year anniversary of my divorce. And attended the life celebration of a friend.

And though I am crafting a life of balance and peace, I have these periods of – umm – thought. Times when I find myself pulling in and away, and letting my thoughts wash over me. I'm okay with these down times, and I think that a life of pure joy would be too exhausting.

Melancholy

Wrapped in sadness, I let my soul
drift in a roiling sea,
overcome by a storm that engulfs me.

Waves wash over and around me.
In the dark, I am tossed
on a cold ocean of doubts; I am lost.

No signal flare to call for help,
no proffered hand of hope
to calm the journey, no anchoring rope.

Now and again I dive into
my swirling sea of doubt,
embrace the sadness with a silent shout,

and swim alone in my own thoughts –
I wonder what might be
as darkened waters cleanse and set me free.

July 2009

Unfinished business

So I’ve been thinking… about unfinished business and unexpected life events. I think the saddest thing about Mars’ death is that he left this turn at life with unfinished business. I don’t mean bills unpaid, laundry undone. I mean the serious business of raising children well into their own, of resolving lost loves and reaffirming new friends (though Mars was a master at welcoming friends). Of reaching a point in your life when your death will be mourned and you will be missed, but there is nobody who regrets not having been able to have that heart-to-heart talk that leads to amends-making or deep understanding and connection. And when your children really know you, better than your friends know you.

Judaism has an annual holiday, Yom Kippur, designed to encourage these resolutions every year. The week between Rosh HaShannah and Yom Kippur, Jews seek forgiveness from those they have wronged. On Yom Kippur, we admit to G-d our digressions and affirm to do better next year.

Finished business includes making sure that the people you love know deeply that you love them. Beyond the words you say --

I think I am pretty close to that stage in my life… where I am wrapping up my last bits of unfinished business. I have things I’d like to do, adventures I’d like to have. Certainly I want to watch Jake and Sara grow into their futures -- they have great amounts of unfinished business, and watching them navigate through the temptations and side streets of life’s journey… watching them learn to be open and trusting with another, and to reach contentment… that will be a joy. But they will do these things even without my witnessing them.

I think David has some unfinished business, too. I have great compassion for the struggles I believe he is facing, and though I didn’t have the stamina to work through his journey of discovery with him, I hope he finds the secret to peace and happiness.

All I know is this: everything ends. And every day is another opportunity to show your loved ones how centrally important they are to you. And an opportunity to bring new friends into your life.

Kim

Shalom, Mars.

Transitions

A friend of mine will die today. Or maybe tomorrow.

He fell off his bicycle, not even going very fast. No helmet. And suddenly, this very vibrant, bigger-than-life, fill-a-room-with-his-personality man is lying in a hospital bed connected to tubes and machines, with no signs of brain activity.

I have no poem for this. No rhyme, no reason. The phrase "Rest in Peace" comes to mind, but apparently he is resting very peacefully. His friends and family, though, are struggling to make sense of a very sudden emptiness where once Marcellus Tryk was.

May they move through suffering to peace.

kim