Up in smoke...

  

It's the end of May 2013. 

Five years ago, I was still looking for a house to buy in Eugene, still working on the divorce papers and math, still not sure about my employment after July 31, 2008. 

Seven years ago, in late May 2006, my carefully crafted façade cracked and began to crumble, and I made a phone call to Rich Brown to get help. His business card says "LCSW" but I think that is pronounced /hero/. 

So today I burned my journals from that long dark time. Six books, filled with angst and heartache and hope and anger and despair, and back to hope again. 

I don't need those journals anymore. I don't need to reflect on the words I wrote back then. The lessons I struggled so hard to avoid have been learned and a new way of being is developing.

And to ensure a sweetened new life, I made s'mores from the flames of my past.

(Note to self: It doesn't take very much gasoline to make a fire. Not very much at all. And stand back when you toss the match... wwwaaayyyy back)

 

COAST yes...

Sidney left this morning after nearly a week of very hard, very productive work on our Human Subjects Research approval application. Sort of like writing a dissertation proposal (essentially all the same topic areas), but you only get three pages. So we first wrote the big application (more than 10 pages), and then carefully, surgically, cut out all but the essential pieces. 

Next step: Complete all the related documents (parent permission forms, informed consent forms, recruitment ads and telephone script, etc). I should have that done by Friday.

Then we send the whole kit to Dr. Eric Fombonne for editing. He has to obtain Human Subjects Research approval from Oregon Health & Science University before we can apply for UO approval. Once we have both institutions' approvals, we can start talking to parents! and collecting data!! and writing up our results!!!

ho boy, I am pretty excited to get to this next phase. One step closer to publishing the COAST and having it used in schools. 

 

UO no...

Finally picked up my mail, and opened my letter from UO Law.

What? You can't deny me, I've already declined you! (ala you can't fire me, I quit)...

So, the stars were aligned for me, I'll attend the program that best fits my needs, and get to visit my Salem and Dallas friends more regularly.

Life is good. Exceedingly good.

Update update.

So, it looks like I will continue to work with the Alaska Alternate Assessment. We've reached an agreement around behavior, and I'll give away tasks that should not be on my plate anyway. It was a long and difficult conversation, but ended on a positive note. 

I'm going to go plant some flowers and not think about Alaska for a few hours. I'm also not NOT licking frogs... for my Simpsons loving friends... 

And a life meditation...

Now that my ears have stopped ringing (well, almost) from the lawn mowing, and I've had a nice meditation, here's an update on my school/work plans (see "I've Decided")...
 
I may not be working for the Alaska Alternate Assessment project after all. I've offered my resignation, and Monday at 2:45 meet with my boss to see if any alternative exists in which I might continue working with him. Our relationship has been testy lately, and went to hell on Friday, and thus... I have offered to resign.

I went back to my Excel Life Plan, and, with very careful budgeting, I will be fine, even if I am completely unemployed and only a full time student. 

Come to think of it, I have never in my adult life been ONLY a full time student; I have always worked and gone to school. I started working at 16, a Junior in High School, and haven't stopped since, often working much more than full time while going to school. Not easy. I wonder what it would be like to have that much time and brain power available for schoolwork. This line of thinking does not bode well for my boss. This line of thinking tips the balance scale toward "Full Unemployment is a Great Idea" and away from the fear response of "Full Unemployment Should Be Avoided at All Costs."

David used to implement the "Austerity Plan" when we were married (much PTSD over that, but that's not my point here), and actually, I live fairly austerely. I don't buy new clothes (I'm losing weight and almost ready to open up boxes of great clothes I used to fit, so that will be like a new wardrobe), I don't upgrade my electronics every time a new version is offered, I don't eat out, or go to concerts (except when I picnic outside the Cuthbert and catch my favorites for free). I do save up to travel, and I try to help Jake and Sara out when I can. But I live well within my means. 

So an Austerity Plan for me would look like this: Build a cabin on the bottom part of my property and move into it (less than $8000, and Jerry said he would be happy to do this with me - read: Jerry is a retired contractor, and willing to help me with this scheme - er, project). Rent my whole house out, furnished, as an Executive Home Rental, for enough to cover the mortgage and minor repairs. I enjoy my house, but will really enjoy it if it pays for itself. I meet with my accountant Tuesday to see how much of future improvements could be tax deductible. I think all of them. So that saves money, too. In fact, whether I am employed or not, the Build A Cabin/Rent The House plan will be implemented.

So, Monday at about 3:00'ish, I'll have a better idea of my employment status next year. I am oddly at peace with all possible outcomes. Is this what the Buddhists mean by "Let go of desire"?

A gardening meditation

warm sunshiny day
no adult supervision
riding mower fun

cutting hillside grass
catamaraning balance
moments of terror

bright flowers planted
gloves protecting open wounds
ninja gardening

 

PS: No major injuries, really!  Just blisters from yesterday's gardening without gloves.