We are the Co-Authors of our Destiny

Sidney and I are crafting this post together by phone, because we ARE the co-authors of our COAST destiny. We've just been discussing my experiences with  law school and my assessment that, if I don't make it in Law School, I have a very strong back-up plan.

However, I intend to implement the Back Up Plan WHILE finishing law school, because I have always wanted my cake and ate it, too. In other words, I don't tend to let things happen TO me. I tend to plan for things to happen BECAUSE of me. Sidney is, of course, an equally CAN DO and WILL DO kind of person. In other words, we believe we can affect our futures (an internal locus of control, as opposed to people who believe the world does things to them, or external locus of control).

The success of the COAST is now more than a Possibility; success is now verging on Probability.

We are making steady progress in our research plan for the COAST.

COMPLETED:
(A) Wrote and edited the COAST, both the full COAST and the CORE FOUR and Supplemental Eight versions and the administration manual. Developed the Student Profile form and visual graph system.

(B) Met Kate Panacionne. Kate provided some incredibly relevant and useful feedback on the earliest version of the COAST, and has since become a close friend. Kate plans to develop a teacher's edition of the COAST for her doctoral dissertation.

(C) Met with Dr. David Amaral and Dr. Peter Mundy of the MIND Institute. This was a cold call that turned into a very warm reception (see my previous blog entry on February 17, 2013: Magic Happens). Dr. Amaral suggested we contact Dr. Eric Fombonne. So...

(D) We contacted Dr. Eric Fombonne at OHSU (see my April blog entry: The Generosity of Strangers). Dr. Fombonne agreed to help us conduct our preliminary research, and his wife, Dr. Arlene Hagen, will also join the research party. Dr. Hagen directs the Child Development and Rehabilitation Clinic at OHSU.

(E) Wrote and submitted the research plan and Institutional Review Board (IRB) application. The IRB has asked for additional information, which we have supplied. Approval is anticipated in the next few months.

(F) Developed all related documents for the research project: Letters of Support, recruitment letters, permission forms, FERPA and HIPAA release forms, instructions, and thank you letters.


NEXT STEPS:
As soon as the OHSU Internal Review Board gives final approval for out Human Subjects Research, the flood gates of work will open, to include:

(1) Contact and confirm participation in the study of 120 parents of children without identified disabilities, aged 6 through 18. We'll be advertising in several media venues in the Eugene area, we have a commitment from an Oregon Pediatrician to approach the parents in her practice, and with OHSU's letterhead lending an air of credibility to the research project, I will again approach the local school districts for participation.

OHSU has assumed the job of gathering parents of children identified as being on the Autism spectrum AND parents of children with severe emotional disturbances (but not Autistic).

If you, dear reader, have ideas about contacting parents in Oregon to participate (OR if you yourself live in Oregon and have children aged 6 to 18), I'd love to hear from you! I'll make the comments section private, and you can leave a comment for me to contact you.

(2) Provide the survey forms and instructions to the participating parents. We will purchase copies of the ASRS and ABAS from the publishers, and of course provide copies of the COAST to each participant. 

(3) COLLECT THE DATA!!

(4) Analyze the data.

(5) Write the research report describing the project, the data, and the analysis of the effectiveness of the COAST in identifying children on the Autism Spectrum, AND what level of Autism

(6) Wait for the world to beat a path to our door...  But, because we are both "internal locus of control" people, we'll take some steps to clear that pathway. And line it with landing lights. And neon arrows. And a huge "WELCOME" mat. We'll submit a proposal to speak at a number of professional conferences, including conferences for pediatricians, psychiatrists and psychologists, and special educators. We will also be writing several grant applications to continue our research on the COAST, and will be contacting educational publishing companies to discuss distributing the various forms of the COAST.

Stay tuned!

Recovery

Conversation. Connection.

I've been in Alaska since Wednesday, heading home today. A friend posted that time and distance are great healers, providing an opportunity to reflect. And I have been reflecting. and meditating. 

I'm not quite sure how events spiraled so quickly toward dissolution last month. We are both very busy, very tired, and very stressed. Maybe we both just snapped at the same time, and couldn't find a handhold to climb out of the crevasse of our emotions. 

At any rate, we are talking now. really talking. and though our paths look to be diverging, and pretty soon, the talking means we can be rational and accepting. 

Lessons 

stuttering babysteps and false starts
opened wide the windows to my heart
You watched as I planned my restart
… life as loving art

backing away in careful stages
your goodbyes built in gentle phases
Our book is left with empty pages
… Love’s Sacred spaces

one night’s cold snap exposed growing fears
one week’s silence and too many tears
Now and forever and through the years
… Gone, but love is near

learning new lessons, day after day
silence does not mean nothing to say
Under a full moon our shadows play
… loving, come what may

kim
november 9, 2013

Gam zeh ya'avor (again)

Good things end. Sometimes good things last so long, you forget that they will end. They end anyway. 

But an end of a good thing does not mean the beginnings and middles were wrong. Or even that the ending should be avoided.

I was surprised and thrilled to find love nearly four years ago. We spent the first three weeks of our friendship assuring each other that this WAS NOT a "relationship," that neither of us wanted a relationship, that we were over all that. 

And then we spent time assuring each other that it would not last, but that while it did, it was sure good.

And I was surprised and pleased each morning to awake and find that he was still here.

Pretty soon, now, I will wake one morning and he will be gone. And I am at peace with that (finally), after a month of letting go of ego and anger and sadness that nearly overwhelmed me, and allowing the wrong poem to escape (which turned out to be the right poem after all), and actually hearing what he was saying. Now, I am at peace. 

I'm going to enjoy the rest of the time we have together, and then I will wish him well. I hope that is not the end of a deep and meaningful friendship; I'll just have to take that one step at a time, when the time comes.

But everything ends. I am grateful for a slow and gentle end. 

I have a poem on this, but I preface its posting by saying "Life is good." I wrote the poem after more than a week of silent, solitary sadness, when every attempt at communication – on both sides – quickly swirled to misunderstanding and disconnection. 

I tried to write a hopeful and grateful poem, because that is what I wanted to feel. But that's not how my poetry works. When it's right, it flows out with almost no fiddling or construction. So the poem that finally emerged was not nearly as hopeful as I wanted. Instead, the poem that finally appeared was full of angst and anger and ego, which I was trying to let go. When I wrote the poem, I had given up. But writing the poem allowed me to finally let it all go, and settle back down into peace.

I have heard what he has to say, and I think I understand. He has heard me, and perhaps he also understands. I don't think the outcome is going to change, but getting to the end will not be so painful now. But the end is coming. 

Because everything ends.  


Up In Smoke


Bridges burning behind you,
your flames consuming all insight
There's nothing left for me to do
No reason now for us to fight.    

Love laid honestly before you

You are not wrong but you're not right;
Though you say it's not me it's you
my soul’s curled in a ball too tight.

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – go make it
My trust is gone I can't fake it
I’m afraid that we won’t make it.

You swim in your doubts and fears
and assign their cause to me,
Even after all these years
you don’t feel safe here with me

You push away as I hold you near
I can’t pretend that hurt’s undone
The truth rings out strong and clear
We can’t silence the bell that's rung

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – so make it
Though my love remains I forsake it
I don't believe that we can make it

Four years of gentle laughing love
The morning’s Joy that you remained
Now days of Stress to be free of
And each morning’s sadness the same

There's nothing in our past I'd lose, 
nothing I'd do differently
No other man for me to choose
to love or be in love with me.

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – so make it
A wild critter’s love, I won’t cage it
Friendship’s hand, and I will take it.

Kim
October 25, 2013

Letting go...

One of my favorite literary "scenes" is the conversation between two late Autumn leaves clinging to their tree, discussing life after death. The scene takes place in Bambi's woods, in the novel Bambi, A Life in the Woods by Felix Salten. It is the novel on which Walt Disney based the more familiar Bambi stories.

Salten's novel is, like most books, better than the movie. 

I'm coming to the end of something in my life, and walk twice daily through Willamette University's leaf piles, which had me thinking about letting go...

Letting go...

Dangling leaf holds tight
Hearing voices gone before
Leaps with all her might

New gig, new rig.

New gig...

I cannot believe how much fun law school is. Though the staff, professors, and 2Ls (Second Year Law students) put forth a concerted effort to warn us about how hard it will be and how very little time we will have for family and friends, and here are the numbers for Lawyer Therapists, and on and on. 

I am doing the "part time" program, which means it will take me four years instead of three. It also means that I only have three classes this term where everyone else has five. I can see how five classes would mean zero time for anything but eating, sleeping, reading, and attending class. 

Three classes is a very reasonable workload. 

I started school August 5, though "real law school" didn't start until August 26th. Willamette offers a two week, 7 hours a day, Intro to Law School course (which we quickly began calling "Fake Law School"). There were 49 of us, about a third of the incoming class. The course was free, all supplies provided. Our time was spent with two professors: one focused on teaching us law school skills (reading a case, reducing it to the nuggets of facts (case brief), outlining courses, studying for exams) and the second focused on teaching us the basics of criminal law as it applies to Murder and all the lesser included offenses (manslaughter, negligence, self-defense). We practiced the student behaviors on the murder topic. At the end, we had a "Fake Law Exam" which will be graded and returned to us. Very fun stuff. By the end, half of us were prosecutors and half were defense attorneys, negotiating a plea agreement for a woman who killed her abusive husband. 

Then we had three full days of Orientation. I was skeptical that any school would need three days to orient students to a program, and feared that this would be a great big waste of time. But it was not. Three days learning how to log in to the variety of tools available to us, learning about the Attorney/Student mentor program, learning the nuances of student loans, learning the basics of law (think: SchoolHouse Rock, How a Bill Becomes A Law").

And then, August 26, Real Law School. Real. Law. School. 

New Rig.

But early Saturday morning, the weekend before my first Real Day at school, I stepped out of bed to yell at the dogs to stop barking. Stepped out like I've done approximately 18,410 times before. On my toes, lower my heel. And Pop. Something went Pop. Accompanied by a quick electric shock. I have felt that before, though much stronger, when I ruptured my Achilles Tendon.

To the ER, and three hours later learned I had not broken my ankle, but I had torn a ligament. Ligaments keep the bones together so they can do their job. 

Monday morning, bright and early (*), a little floaty from pain meds, my crutches and I head to the train station. The train pulls into Salem at 6:42 AM, and Willamette is right across the street. No problem, I can swing over there and crutch up the road to the Bishop Wellness Center. I was hoping they had Knee Scooters to loan out. Halfway there, I just couldn't go any farther. So I took a break and leaned against a lamp post. Pretty shortly, Mike the Groundskeeper rolled by in his go-cart gardening rig and gave me a ride the rest of the way. Thank you Mike!! The BWC did not have a Knee Scooter to loan. But the PA-C looked at my ankle and said, "Yep, ligament." So then I caught a ride with Joe the Campus Security officer across campus to the law school (thank you Joe!!). After class, I got a cab to the Pacific Medical Supply Company on Commercial and rented a Knee Scooter ($75 for the month).

Here's my new rig.

Now, I scoot around school, my 124 pound backpack hanging on the handles. Pretty slick.

Tuesday morning, the first day of Legal Research and Writing, the professor asked for bids for the honor to start the sign in sheet each day. I asked what value that might have, so I could properly judge the value of my opening bid. He said that attending the class AND passing the class were minimum requirements to earning a JD. Don't show up one to many times, and you have to take the class over, even if you turned in all the work and earned passing marks on the assignments. Signing the sheet is the only verification that you've been in class. The person who starts the sheet is guaranteed to never miss signing in. 

Oh. That's quite important. I asked what winning bids had been in the past. Plates of cookies, stuff like that. 

Okay. I offered him a ride on my scooter. A chuckle. He asked if there were any other bids. One girl said she didn't want to bid because she kind of wanted to see him ride the scooter. The rest of the class agreed; I won.  So, Professor Edward Harri, a very renowned attorney and famous instructor of legal writing, scooted around the class on my scooter. A short ride. But very fun. 

Pretty soon now, I will post the photos and stories from my summer trip to England. But right now, I have to go finish packing the books and knicknacks (paddywhack, give the dog a bone) in my office and bedrooms so the carpet layers can move furniture and install new carpet TOMORROW!! oh, and I have to do some homework and studying for law school!

(*) I'm taking the Amtrak Train to school and the Amtrak bus home each day. The train leaves Eugene at 5:30 AM, arriving in Salem at 6:42. The "4:35 bus" has NEVER been on time, in fact has never been within 30 minutes of being on time, so I usually get to Eugene around 7:00. Before I blew out my ankle, my commute was: Drive over my hill and park the truck. Bike in to the train station, lock the bike and off to Salem. Return, unlock the bike, ride back to the truck, put the bike on the rack and drive home, usually arriving around 8:00. So, I spent the summer researching electric bike motors and found one I loved. The motor kit arrived Monday after I tore my ligament. I won't be able to use it until November or December. But when I can ride again, I can leave the truck at home. The motor will get me over the hill, then my own power to get to the station. Exercise, Fresh Air, and zero parking fees or gas bill.

Up in smoke...

  

It's the end of May 2013. 

Five years ago, I was still looking for a house to buy in Eugene, still working on the divorce papers and math, still not sure about my employment after July 31, 2008. 

Seven years ago, in late May 2006, my carefully crafted façade cracked and began to crumble, and I made a phone call to Rich Brown to get help. His business card says "LCSW" but I think that is pronounced /hero/. 

So today I burned my journals from that long dark time. Six books, filled with angst and heartache and hope and anger and despair, and back to hope again. 

I don't need those journals anymore. I don't need to reflect on the words I wrote back then. The lessons I struggled so hard to avoid have been learned and a new way of being is developing.

And to ensure a sweetened new life, I made s'mores from the flames of my past.

(Note to self: It doesn't take very much gasoline to make a fire. Not very much at all. And stand back when you toss the match... wwwaaayyyy back)

 

COAST yes...

Sidney left this morning after nearly a week of very hard, very productive work on our Human Subjects Research approval application. Sort of like writing a dissertation proposal (essentially all the same topic areas), but you only get three pages. So we first wrote the big application (more than 10 pages), and then carefully, surgically, cut out all but the essential pieces. 

Next step: Complete all the related documents (parent permission forms, informed consent forms, recruitment ads and telephone script, etc). I should have that done by Friday.

Then we send the whole kit to Dr. Eric Fombonne for editing. He has to obtain Human Subjects Research approval from Oregon Health & Science University before we can apply for UO approval. Once we have both institutions' approvals, we can start talking to parents! and collecting data!! and writing up our results!!!

ho boy, I am pretty excited to get to this next phase. One step closer to publishing the COAST and having it used in schools. 

 

UO no...

Finally picked up my mail, and opened my letter from UO Law.

What? You can't deny me, I've already declined you! (ala you can't fire me, I quit)...

So, the stars were aligned for me, I'll attend the program that best fits my needs, and get to visit my Salem and Dallas friends more regularly.

Life is good. Exceedingly good.

Update update.

So, it looks like I will continue to work with the Alaska Alternate Assessment. We've reached an agreement around behavior, and I'll give away tasks that should not be on my plate anyway. It was a long and difficult conversation, but ended on a positive note. 

I'm going to go plant some flowers and not think about Alaska for a few hours. I'm also not NOT licking frogs... for my Simpsons loving friends... 

And a life meditation...

Now that my ears have stopped ringing (well, almost) from the lawn mowing, and I've had a nice meditation, here's an update on my school/work plans (see "I've Decided")...
 
I may not be working for the Alaska Alternate Assessment project after all. I've offered my resignation, and Monday at 2:45 meet with my boss to see if any alternative exists in which I might continue working with him. Our relationship has been testy lately, and went to hell on Friday, and thus... I have offered to resign.

I went back to my Excel Life Plan, and, with very careful budgeting, I will be fine, even if I am completely unemployed and only a full time student. 

Come to think of it, I have never in my adult life been ONLY a full time student; I have always worked and gone to school. I started working at 16, a Junior in High School, and haven't stopped since, often working much more than full time while going to school. Not easy. I wonder what it would be like to have that much time and brain power available for schoolwork. This line of thinking does not bode well for my boss. This line of thinking tips the balance scale toward "Full Unemployment is a Great Idea" and away from the fear response of "Full Unemployment Should Be Avoided at All Costs."

David used to implement the "Austerity Plan" when we were married (much PTSD over that, but that's not my point here), and actually, I live fairly austerely. I don't buy new clothes (I'm losing weight and almost ready to open up boxes of great clothes I used to fit, so that will be like a new wardrobe), I don't upgrade my electronics every time a new version is offered, I don't eat out, or go to concerts (except when I picnic outside the Cuthbert and catch my favorites for free). I do save up to travel, and I try to help Jake and Sara out when I can. But I live well within my means. 

So an Austerity Plan for me would look like this: Build a cabin on the bottom part of my property and move into it (less than $8000, and Jerry said he would be happy to do this with me - read: Jerry is a retired contractor, and willing to help me with this scheme - er, project). Rent my whole house out, furnished, as an Executive Home Rental, for enough to cover the mortgage and minor repairs. I enjoy my house, but will really enjoy it if it pays for itself. I meet with my accountant Tuesday to see how much of future improvements could be tax deductible. I think all of them. So that saves money, too. In fact, whether I am employed or not, the Build A Cabin/Rent The House plan will be implemented.

So, Monday at about 3:00'ish, I'll have a better idea of my employment status next year. I am oddly at peace with all possible outcomes. Is this what the Buddhists mean by "Let go of desire"?

A gardening meditation

warm sunshiny day
no adult supervision
riding mower fun

cutting hillside grass
catamaraning balance
moments of terror

bright flowers planted
gloves protecting open wounds
ninja gardening

 

PS: No major injuries, really!  Just blisters from yesterday's gardening without gloves. 

I've decided...

Well, I haven't heard from UO Law yet about my application, but I've decided to attend Willamette. 

I've spent some time playing on Excel (doesn't everyone plan their life in Excel?), and Willamette just makes sense. An American Bar Association rule limits work for full time law students to 20 hours or less per week. Though I am leaving my UO job on June 15, I will continue to work with the Alaska Alternate Assessment for kids with severe cognitive delays. And even though the Alaska work is "part time," it is often more than 20 hours per week. So I need to attend a part time Law program. And the UO does not offer a part time Law program.

And realistically, a part time program makes sense for me. I am 52. I haven't sat in classes for 7 years. And I knocked my brains loose in March 2010, leaving some broken wiring that I am still trying to reroute. So I'll take four years to finish rather than three. I'm not in any rush.

The Generosity of Strangers.

Sidney and I had the best day of our brief Autism Research Careers today.

We met with Dr. Eric Fombonne, the Director of Autism Research at Oregon Health Sciences University. It was a "cold call" made possible with the kind electronic introduction of Dr. David Amaral of the MIND Institute at UC Davis. 

Our Pie-In-The-Sky hoped-for outcome of the meeting was that Dr. Fombonne would help us identify research subjects for our pilot research project. 

Our Second-Best hope was that he would be willing to write a letter of support for our project, so we could seek involvement with other agencies, trading on the value of his name and reputation.

At a minimum, we hoped he would say nice things about the COAST.

We were rewarded with the Pie-In-The-Sky! with fresh whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles

Dr. Fombonne has agreed to help us find the research participants (and in fact believes he can weave our research into ongoing grants), has agreed to write a letter of support for our Human Subjects Research approval application to the UO AND has agreed to shepherd the project through the OHSU Human Subjects Research approval process. He suggested a much more powerful research design, suggested improvements and additional data to collect, and then invited us to lunch with his colleague, Dr. Arlene Hagen. Dr. Hagen is a child psychologist, in charge of the Child Development & Rehabilitation Center at OHSU. She also happens to be married to Dr. Fombonne.

During lunch, the two seemed to become more and more excited and eager to help us. By the end of lunch, they had agreed to assist in recruiting parents for our research and in helping us gain the appropriate approvals. After lunch, Dr. F, Sidney, and I returned to his office, and he invited in his assistant Marie. Marie was given a long list of tasks, and encouraged to work with us in completing them.

SO, we have a little more work to do this weekend, and we will submit a slew of documents to Marie for dissemination to key personnel at OHSU. A very large magic door has been opened.

Dr. Fombonne's closing comment was something like: "It isn't fair that you would be prevented from conducting interesting research simply because you are not well known. I see it as my role to assist you and make it possible to do the research. Then the data will speak for themselves."

Yes. A simple, but incredibly generous, attitude.

It takes a lifetime...

... to be an overnight success.

One of Barry Sherman's girlfriends once said something like that, to explain Barry's career in the Entertainment Field. Something about how he was working steadily for a dozen years and was nowhere yet. 

That has been the story of my Autism career. I've been a special educator for 26 years, deeply involved in understanding the impacts of autism on child and family. And then Sidney and I have spent three and a half years developing the C.O.A.S.T.

You may recall that we met with Dr. David Amaral of the UCDavis MIND Institute in February, and had an amazingly wonderful meeting. Dr. Amaral suggested we contact Dr. Eric Fombonne, the new director of autism research at Oregon Health Sciences University. 

I did. 

No response. 

After a month, I emailed again. 

And then I asked Dr. Amaral if he wouldn't mind making an electronic introduction between Sidney and me with Dr. Fombonne. 

Bless his generous heart and spirit, Dr. Amaral did just that. Less than 30 minutes after his email to Dr. Fombonne, Dr. Fombonne has offered to meet with us next week. 

Sidney will be in town. Friday, we will meet with Dr. Eric Fombonne, Director of Autism Research at Oregon Health Sciences University. 

This is a Very Big Deal.

Any year now, Sidney and I will be an overnight success...

Road Tripping...

A road with ice...

I've been in Alaska all this week, conducting test administration fidelity observations of our assessment for kids with severe cognitive delays. Four days in Anchorage (where it has been snowing all week), one day in a tiny village, Kwethluk which is home to 153 families.  I visited the school, a building about half again as large as my house, which contained all ages of kids, kindergarten through twelfth.  The kids were lovely, primarily of the Yup'ik tribe. 

A sign on the front entry bulletin board declared a unanimous vote of the school board to cancel school on any day where the temperature was -40 degrees, or the windchill and temperature reached -65 degrees. Good to know. Kids, don't forget your mittens...

I worked all day with the teacher who works with kids who have severe disabilities. She was very nice, had been nervous about my visit for more than a month. I practiced the reading test with her before she administered the test to a student. The child was very cooperative and friendly, seemed to enjoy the extra attention (me), and did pretty well on the test. 

After the reading test, I spent another hour with her on the writing test, and wrote out fake student responses for her to practice scoring. I spent the entire day in her classroom.

The Adventures of Rural Alaska Travels: The flight to the village started with a 6:40 AM flight from Anchorage to Bethel, and then a transfer to a single propeller little plane that seated 6 passengers and room for cargo. For my 8:30 AM flight, I shared the plane with the pilot and co-pilot (I called shotgun, but was outvoted) and a clothes dryer and freezer in their shipping boxes, destined to Aniak, another little village. We were headed to Kwethluk (my destination), but detoured to offload the cargo in Aniak, because there were 5 people waiting to board in Kwethluk, but they wouldn’t be able to get to the chairs with the cargo still on board.

The “airport” in Kwethluk is a landing strip and a tin shed, a little larger than a barn. Not sure what is inside, but it isn’t a waiting room. The system is: the “agent” at the village meets the plane and drives the passenger/s to the village. Passengers leave their contact and return flight information with the agent, and he or she calls to tell you if the plane is arriving on time, late, or not flying at all (“weathered in”). If the flight is going to happen, the agent comes and picks you up to get you to the airport. You don’t want to go early, because you can’t get inside, and it is pretty cold outside. My return flight to Bethel was scheduled for 1:30, so I was to call at 1:15 if I hadn’t been contacted.

At 1:15 we discovered the planes were “weathered in” and not going to pick me up to take me from Kwethluk to Bethel. My flight from Bethel to Anchorage was scheduled to leave at 8:45 PM. So I needed a way to get to Bethel, about 50 miles away.

Finding Plan B: Apparently, the teachers and teacher aides in the class all felt a great protectiveness of me, and wanted to be sure I made it to Bethel for my flight. So three different people got on their cell phones and started calling around to discover if anybody from the village was going to drive “the ice road” to Bethel that afternoon. At first it was looking like that wasn’t going to work out, so then they started devising . . .

Plan C: Plan C was to ride on the back of a snowmobile to Bethel. Two snowmobiles would go, so that we’d all be safe (not sure what that means, or why two is safer than one, but they seemed pretty sure about the two snowmobiles being the minimum). I was hoping that we would be stuck with Plan C. But the snowmobilers wouldn’t be able to leave school until 5:00, so the Cell phone ladies got to work again, and finally located Myrna, who was headed to Bethel around 3:00 and had one more seat in her car.

The Ice Road

Did I mention that the “Ice Road” is the frozen Kuskokwim River? The river freezes in October, and starts to thaw in late April. The ice is currently about 6 feet thick. 

I rode in a car on a river yesterday.

The rest of the travel was uneventful. A long wait in Bethel, short flight to Anchorage, finally back to my hotel room after another 20 hour work day...

I'M IN ! !

Willamette University College of Law is willing to take a chance on me as a member of their student body. There is a letter waiting for me in my PO Box, hopefully with details of scholarships and financial aid offers. Willamette is nearly twice the cost of UO, so...

Still waiting to hear from UO. 

But, well, I feel pretty proud that Willamette would like me to join them. 

Ilu Hotzi...

Hotzi Anu, hotzi anu mi mitzraim, hotzi anu mi mitzraim day-enu! 

I am in Anchorage all this week, working with our academic assessment for kids with severe cognitive delays. 

This week is Passover. 

What's a girl to do?

Well, of course, attend the Anchorage Congregation Beth Sholom (frozenchosen.org) community seder. One of the cool things about belonging to a tradition is knowing that all around the world (with adjustments for time zones), Jews are sitting down to a very similar celebration. 

A serene experience of belongingness.

Surrounded by strangers.
 

To Russia...

...with Love.

I have discovered that my google blog has some very fun tools for analyzing my audience. Number of page views by date, number of followers, type of computer and browser, etc.

I recently had a day with 21 page views. Twenty One? Wow, I wondered where my audience lived.

Mostly in Russia, apparently. 

Monitored...

This is my monitor. 
This is my heart on a monitor. 
Any Questions?

Spoiler Alert: I am fine.

I thought I was having a heart attack driving home yesterday, pulled into the W 11th Urgent Care, they sent me to RiverBend ER. By then, I was feeling fine and reached for my keys to drive the 12 miles to RiverBend, and... No. I was told to get a friend to drive me or they'd get an ambulance. I'm not great at asking for help, but I was mortified to think I'd have to ride in an ambulance when someone else might really need that. So I called my tenant Josée and she kindly acted as chauffeur for me. I thought it would be two hours or so. Wrong.

Five hours of waiting around and there was no heart attack or heart problems, they don't know what it was.

Did you know that a blood test can diagnose if you have had a heart attack? Cool magic trick... a heart releases two enzymes depending on the damage done to it, so the blood test looks for elevated levels of the two enzymes.

I also learned that I can think my heart rate to 85 bpm, and then quickly think it down to its normal 65. That was fun: several hours of messing with my heart beat and watching the green number go up and down. The lowest I was able to go was 58.  

Also, if you wiggle frantically while connected to a monitor, you can make your heartbeat set off alarms. Which brought a stern scolding from the medic.

You know me, I don't do "Wait quietly" well...  Anyway, I felt like I lost an entire day, and don't even know what for.

My self-prescribed medication: Drink some water. 

And do things that release oxytocin and endorphins. You know. Exercise and stuff. And meditate.  

Putting the cart before the horse?

Or maybe the bag before the books??

My trusty leather tote/briefbag disintegrated on my trip to California last week. That's fair, it is at least 20 years old, so fully amortized.

So, knowing I would need a nice looking, sturdy, and functional replacement for law school (*), I have replaced it. 

(*) Even if I don't go to Law School, I will want a nice bag for future meetings with faculty and staff at the MIND Institute of UC Davis... And a pretty place in which to tote tools and data for the COAST research. The clothes may make the man, but the bag makes the researcher... 

Magic happens...

In November, Sidney and I gathered our collective chutzpah and sent a letter to Dr. David Amaral, the research director of the MIND Institute, UC Davis. The mission statement of the MIND Institute is "To find effective treatments and cures for autism and other neurodevelopmental disorders." The MIND Institute is a premier research contributor in the causes of, diagnosis, and treatment of Autism. We thought that our COAST might play a role in their mission... as a baseline measurement of the impact of autism on a particular child, and as a stable measure of growth over time. 

So we sent a letter with 3 attachments: the 2-page spread of Domain 1: Social Relationships, a description of all 12 domains, and a description of all 7 levels of severity.

The MIND Institute sponsors a Distinguished Lecture series, and Catherine Lord was to be the guest of honor on February 13. Sidney and I wanted to attend Dr. Lord's lecture, so we asked Dr. Amaral if we could meet him when we were in town for the Lecture. 

He responded, "Yes." (this despite the fact that we spelled his last name incorrectly in the letter! An error for which I later apologized). He offered us an hour on the 13th. An hour is a very generous offer of time.

Our greatest hopes were that 1) he would find some value in the COAST and 2) might, at some later date, suggest a doctoral student who might be interested in using the COAST in a dissertation or other research project.

So, how did the meeting go?

After some reflection, here's my assessment: Wow! What a great day!

We presented Dr. Amaral with two complete packets of the COAST (Evaluator Manual, Full Scale, Core Four Screening tool and Supplemental Eight Module). The first thing he complimented was the professional quality of the production of the tools, "beautiful presentation," he said. Then he asked some good questions, starting with How did we come to creating this tool, and moving to questions about our plans for the tool and whether we thought the COAST might replace other existing tools. He invited in his colleague, Dr. Peter Mundy. Peter Mundy is the director of educational research and heads up a research lab. His teams are already involved in a research study and he promised to share the tool with them, and see if there is a way to fold the COAST into research they are already doing. I got the impression that, if their current research could not accommodate the COAST as added research, that they would find a way in the near future to write it into grants and work they are doing. Almost under his breath, Dr. Mundy said, as he leafed through the Full Scale Module, "There's nothing out there like this."

Dr. Amaral said lots of very nice things about where he thought the tool would be useful. Then he spent time coaching us on the people we needed to talk to, how to "market" the tool, and perhaps that we might just go approach some publishing companies for assistance in getting the data we need to publish the tool.

Then we went to hear Dr. Catherine Lord speak about research she is doing. She is a Really Big Name in autism research. After her talk, Sidney and I were preparing to leave, and David Amaral invited us to dinner with his team and Catherine Lord.

Amazing. Beyond our wildest dreams. 

In the world of Autism research, Sidney and I are like students of guitar, just beginning to pick out some complicated songs and melodies of our own invention... and we attend an Eric Clapton concert and Eric Clapton hears our melody and invites us to dinner and offers to help us with our guitar technique. That is the difference in stature between David Amaral's body of research and our own. He is an incredibly generous man.
 
I have a list of "next steps" to implement, and people with whom we should speak. The journey continues. 

Today is the first day . . .

of the rest of my life!  

And it was a day completely devoid of LSAT studying. I have packed up my study books for delivery to goodwill, thrown away all my practice tests, and cleared my browser history of all LSAT-related history. Though a note of gratitude is due to Steve Schwartz who runs a most amazing prep blog. The combination of this site and the Princeton Review workbook were powerful for me. We'll see on or about March 6 if the power translated into a not-embarrassing score.

So, how did I fill my day? I did have two early morning meetings with students who are doing some independent study classes with me. Though these meetings are clearly "work" (part of my UO job), they don't feel like work– we sit around a big table at a coffee shop and discuss big ideas around school improvement, student learning, and effective teaching. After the meetings, the dogs and I went for a lovely romp along the river, and spent a while at the dogpark. 

Then I spent several hours in my forest. My neighbor wondered if I wouldn't mind if he cut up several downed trees for firewood. I agreed, if he didn't mind leaving about 20% for me. He thought that was very fair. 

Then we got to talking about the amazing job the goats have done on the blackberries, poison oak, and other annoying brush. I was noticing that the goats were maybe eating down to the nubs, and could do with a bit more food. So I offered them to James the neighbor. He jumped at the offer...

So the goats and I took a short walk down the country lane to James' house, into the pasture/blackberry jungle, where I left them happily munching along. 

Another hour playing with the dogs, a little grooming (doggy pedicures especially), and it was getting dark.

I think I'll soak in the tub with a glass of wine at the side, and then call it a day. I'll call it "A Great Day."