Protections

I am the first to admit that I am not brave; I wait until I must take some action or make some change, and then I make the change. But I have tended to ignore those situations until I finally get to the point that change is inevitable and necessary.

And then I choose a new direction. I think bravery would be to recognize when a relationship is going south before I get to the point of no return. I'm working on it...

Three or four years ago, I got to one of those forced forks in the road, where something had to change. After two years of negotiations, I finally understood that the only change I could control was within me. Change my circumstances, change my plans, change my goals. Change my job and my marital status. Scary changes, but at that point, absolutely necessary.

After resettling in West Eugene, with two new jobs, I developed some protections to keep myself safe and to reduce emotional risk. I worked a lot. I took hula. I played with my dogs, worked on the farm, built fences. I spent as much time with Jake and Sara as possible (and as they allowed -- they are, after all, pretty busy people). I spent time with dear friends and family. My calendar and plans kept me safely cocooned.

I did not reach out to meet new people (neither men- nor women-people). Then, sometime in September, I decided I needed to break out of isolation. Taking lessons from Jake, I met new folks, asked questions, learned. And broadened my horizons.

On January 1, I practiced this new skill at Breitenbush, where I was spending three days in a meditation retreat. And a whole new world has opened up – a world I am busy exploring.

Protected

I built walls around myself–

invisible walls

strong walls

protective walls

hung with calendars and to-do lists

activities and commitments

My walls have doors and windows–

locked doors

narrow windows

of leaded glass

I wear the keys to my locks and knobs

on a fine chain hung from my heart

Within my walls, behind locked doors

I built my nest

I built my life

I rebuilt my self

removing masks, I hid old façades away

and faced myself by myself

And then I slip'd into the world–

into starlight

into chaos

into magic

leaving my door unlocked and window open

calendar pages floating away.

kim

February 2010