Love all, trust a few...

... do wrong to none

(Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well)

l'dor v'dor

teachers

my teachers once sat upon my lap
played peekaboo and tap-tap-clap
sang songs and told me stories
of bugs and pirates and wonder-glories

my teachers led me by the hand
to follow crabs across the sand
my teachers showed me ‘yellow cars’
and ‘connect the dots’ among the stars

my teachers once bounced upon my knee
and simply asked for all of me
and pulled my face (and focus) near
to share their secrets and their fears

my teachers encouraged asking ‘why’
and debated colors in the sky
hot monsters, bug-guts-&-cockroach pie
smiles so bright to blind my eye

my teachers once leaned against my chest
each so different, while each the best
one an old-soul, kind and knowing
t’other, dancing laugh, glowing 

my teachers patiently led the way
when I was ready, let go one day
tiny hand, unfolded
baby steps, emboldened.

kim may 2010

Mother's Day...

I am a mom.

Though I am many other things, being a mom is the thing that brings me the greatest pride and joy. And the most meaningful lessons have been those which my children have taught me.

A phrase in Hebrew has always been a favorite: l'dor v'dor. From generation to generation. It is important to note that the phrase is not "from elder to child," but allows for teachings from our children to be equally valued.

I've got some rhyme on this, but not quite right yet.

Soon.

Plus, creativity is somewhat hampered by one-handed typing...

Living Piece-fully

A little bit of this, a little bit of that... pieces of a life that are beginning to fit.

Marshall has been hired ( ! ! ) as a graphics artist at the Newport NewsTimes, after two weeks of nail-biting limbo while the publisher tried to find time to hire him. In true "big brother" fashion, he is worried about me and the farm, since he won't be living here anymore. And I'm still a one-armed bandit. So he's going to come out this weekend and do yard work for me.

And I am learning to say "Thank you" and not "No, no, don't – really, I'll do it later." Because, odds are, it will be much later before I do yard work.

Though everything is healing up the way it should, it is just taking a very long time to be healed. Which, apparently, is what happens when one ages. Dang it. I had a follow up visit and x-ray yesterday, got the green light to take my arm out of the sling now and then and stretch it. And got some of those wonderful stretchy exercise bands – next week I get to start some strength building in addition to the stretching. Apparently (and I did ask...), strength building does not include mowing the lawn. Yet.

So, that's Piece #1: Health update.

Piece #2: Job(s) update. Apparently my Alaska boss (JT) and my UO boss (Phil) have decided that I shouldn't work more than the equivalent of one full time job – called an FTE in Oregon (.50 FTE with Alaska and .50 FTE with UO). And they get to decide that because JT is also the department chair of my program at the UO, so is, essentially my direct boss with Alaska, and my UO boss' boss at the UO. Peyton Place.

I haven't had the chance to talk to JT about making decisions about me without including me in the discussion, but I will. Meanwhile, though, I've been thinking... (uh oh) ~ I don't really want to work more than 1.0. The current set up is pretty ideal – enough work to keep me busy and engaged, enough income to pay the bills, a little travel... plus a goodly amount of time to do as I please.

So, I'm not going to fight the decision to limit my workload to one full time equivalent.

Piece #2.1: Other interesting work projects. I'm working with Sidney Ganzler on developing an innovative rating tool for identifying children and adults on the Autism Spectrum Scale. Sidney has known the Shermans for more than 50 years, and was one of the friends who held up the chupah at Dave's and my wedding. Sidney is a Psychologist, and has a brilliant idea for the rating scale. He came up for 3 days of work and 1 play day a few weeks ago, and we made significant progress on the scale. Now we each have homework, and he'll return at the end of the month for finishing touches. Working 1.0 FTE with Alaska and UO allow me the space and time to focus on the autism rating scale with Sidney. A good thing.

But, Piece #3: The House. I have some repairs I need to make to the house. The repairs will require extra income to fund. New roof, leaking pipes, some water stains at the base of two walls (which could mean bigger problems), insulation, landscaping, etc.

So I'm going to rent out rooms. I've listed three of my rooms on a cool site (airbnb.com) which was started in order to help folks find rooms or even spare couches in DC for the Inauguration, and has since ballooned into a worldwide resource in over 3200 cities.

You can view my listings.

The UO is hosting the NCAA Track and Field Championships again this June – maybe I'll get a chance to play B'n'B hostess, and try this out in the next few weeks. I like the idea of short term guests – I'll get to meet some interesting people, earn a little income. And even if they are horrible guests, they won't be here that long.

and finally, Piece #4: Relationship. Sorry, that's Private. But this piece is what is making the other pieces fall into place...

The Oh-Oh file...

Last year, when Mars died unexpectedly, I realized that living on my own has some implications around making plans for dying on my own. As half of a couple, Dave and I at least had a sense of where the bank records, insurance documents, etc existed, and if one or the other of us were to die, the other could work out the financial paperwork on his or her own, without too much trouble.

It's been nearly a year since Mars passed, and I haven't completed the Oh-Oh file yet. Recently, I took a tumble that turned out okay, but could just as easily have been really not okay, and now I'm motivated all over again.

So, what's in the Oh-Oh file? a roadmap to information, essentially. An emergency contact list, bank accounts, online passwords, life insurance, a will (gotta update that, too), where to find the deed to the house, title to the truck, all that boring stuff.

When Mars died, some of his family apparently knew his Facebook sign-in info, and posted lovely updates and the invitation to the Life Celebration. That was nice, so I'll include social networking account info, too.

I don't intend to need this file for many many more years. But creating it feels like a grown-up thing to do. And I do plan to grow up sometime in the next twenty years or so...

Big Rocks

Lately, I've been meditating on my calendar / work life / play life. I don't have any answers or decisions, but I'm asking questions I hadn't anticipated needing to answer when I left Dave and set up my new 5-year plan. Only two years into it, and I'm rethinking.

I thought I wanted to work A LOT, on a variety of professional projects (research, professional writing, personal writing, UO, Alaska, consulting, workshops) and develop the dog kennel (hiking, showing, breeding, puppy sales), travel once a year with Jake and Sara and a multi-day hike once a year on my own (with 'Hounds). Time with Jake and Sara, extended family, friends. Though most of that is still on my list, I've got this new thing to work in and adjustments to make around spending time with someone else. I'm not sure how to do all of that yet. Except that I need to consider carefully the impact of potential increased work commitments starting this Fall.

And part of me hesitates to make big changes that may close an avenue, because I am aware that each of these activities could disappear from the list for any number of reasons. Gam zeh ya'avor (this too shall pass)...

But hedging my bets feels like only half-assed focus / commitment, which of course may have its own consequences.

For now, I'll just muddle through what's currently on the calendar, and accept my changing focus ~ and develop better skill in managing my calendar, rather than letting my calendar manage me. A friend talks about putting the big rocks into the vase first. If you think of your day as a vase, and your "to do" items as a variety of materials (big rocks, pebbles, sand, water), then the formula is like this: Big rocks are those things that refresh our souls, but that we tend to not put on our calendar (in our vase), because we are busy with the tasks that have due dates... represented by pebbles, sand and water. You can put in the pebbles to your day, add sand, fill in with water, and not have room for the big rocks. But, if you put in the big rocks first (exercise, time with friends, meditation, walks with dogs, etc), then the pebbles and sand and water can fill around those.

It's a matter of priorities. Those items not in the day's vase may be very important to my well-being, but leaving them out means I have chosen another priority.

I dunno. This is all kinda new: challenging and exciting and chaotic and scary and comforting all at once. I am blessed and cursed with unlimited possibilities.

Okay. One day at a time. Big rocks first...

Protections

I am the first to admit that I am not brave; I wait until I must take some action or make some change, and then I make the change. But I have tended to ignore those situations until I finally get to the point that change is inevitable and necessary.

And then I choose a new direction. I think bravery would be to recognize when a relationship is going south before I get to the point of no return. I'm working on it...

Three or four years ago, I got to one of those forced forks in the road, where something had to change. After two years of negotiations, I finally understood that the only change I could control was within me. Change my circumstances, change my plans, change my goals. Change my job and my marital status. Scary changes, but at that point, absolutely necessary.

After resettling in West Eugene, with two new jobs, I developed some protections to keep myself safe and to reduce emotional risk. I worked a lot. I took hula. I played with my dogs, worked on the farm, built fences. I spent as much time with Jake and Sara as possible (and as they allowed -- they are, after all, pretty busy people). I spent time with dear friends and family. My calendar and plans kept me safely cocooned.

I did not reach out to meet new people (neither men- nor women-people). Then, sometime in September, I decided I needed to break out of isolation. Taking lessons from Jake, I met new folks, asked questions, learned. And broadened my horizons.

On January 1, I practiced this new skill at Breitenbush, where I was spending three days in a meditation retreat. And a whole new world has opened up – a world I am busy exploring.

Protected

I built walls around myself–

invisible walls

strong walls

protective walls

hung with calendars and to-do lists

activities and commitments

My walls have doors and windows–

locked doors

narrow windows

of leaded glass

I wear the keys to my locks and knobs

on a fine chain hung from my heart

Within my walls, behind locked doors

I built my nest

I built my life

I rebuilt my self

removing masks, I hid old façades away

and faced myself by myself

And then I slip'd into the world–

into starlight

into chaos

into magic

leaving my door unlocked and window open

calendar pages floating away.

kim

February 2010