Goodbye, furry friend...

... Maggie Rose is pictured here on her first day at Cooper Hollow Farms in May 2007 (at about 11 weeks old). Not quite six years later, and Maggie Rose is gone. Cancer. She'd been off her feed since late November, but every time I got close to calling for a vet appointment, she'd start eating well again. She lost weight, maybe 10 or 15 pounds. Then suddenly, in the last week, she lost a lot of weight. 

Now I know why. 

I fell in love with Irish Wolfhounds when I was 18 and went to a dog show (my first) with a friend, Holly. Holly had an Akita, and I ended up with two Akitas in my 20s. I will be owned by Akitas again. 

But, at this show, I watched a gimongous male Irish Wolfhound being shown by an 8 year old girl. At one point, the girl tripped and dropped the lead. The dog continued on his path around the show ring. When he realized that he had lost his girl he slowed down and looked over his shoulder. When she had picked up the lead and was by his side, he nodded (!) and continued on the circle. 

I met several other Irish Wolfhounds over the years, always searching them out when I was at a show with my Akitas or later with the Jack Russells. 

Then Dave and I met for dinner in December 2007 (I thought we were working on our "homework" from counseling, in an effort to not be divorced). And he told me he had contracted with a divorce attorney and I should, too. I will admit that my first thought was: What? What about our homework? You were supposed to tell me what you appreciated about me!! Then my second thought can't be repeated in polite company. But my third thought was NOT who will I hire for a divorce attorney. My third thought was: Good! NOW I can get an Irish Wolfhound!

I liked the look of Lisa Blanchard's dogs from Washington. When she had a litter in March, I visited. Once to the puppy home in eastern Oregon, and twice to her farm in Washington. And chose Maggie Rose. When Sara and I went up to collect Maggie Rose in May, Sara liked the looks of another puppy too. And Lisa kindly (and against her long-standing tradition), allowed us to take two puppies. So Maggie Rose and Miss Molly came home with us. 

Thirty years after I first saw an Irish Wolfhound, I finally had... TWO! 

I knew going into this adventure that I would adore these dogs. And that their short life-span (about 8 to 10 years) would mean that I wouldn't have much time with them. But I am a farm girl; Life and Death are just the same thing really. And if one believes that one can only have X number of dogs at a time (a silly thought), then a shorter life span would mean the opportunity to meet more dogs during MY life span. 

But oh wow. Maggie Rose was such an amazing animal. Smart and kind and silly and loving and goofy and ... and wonderful. I miss her. Already. RIP Maggie-doodles. 

To Infinity ... and BEYOND!

Wait, what? How can it possibly be 2014 already? And paradoxically, how can it only be January 1?

Isn't that the way life goes, nowadays? ZOOM a year is gone. FLASH it will be June 1 any second now... and yet the sum of my years seem long and slowly measured. 

The first half of 2014 will see many dreams fulfilled:

(1) Sidney and I will have collected all our COAST data and analyzed it by June 1;

(2) I will have completed building my Tiny Cabin and will have rented out my house to a family by April 1;

(3) I will have completed my first year of law school by April 23;

(4) I will have completed the print-ready draft of my "Greeting Book" (like a hallmark card, but longer, and book-like) by March 31.

What will I do for the second half of 2014? Rest on my laurels... Nah, I'll find something interesting to fill my time and keep me out of trouble!

We are the Co-Authors of our Destiny

Sidney and I are crafting this post together by phone, because we ARE the co-authors of our COAST destiny. We've just been discussing my experiences with  law school and my assessment that, if I don't make it in Law School, I have a very strong back-up plan.

However, I intend to implement the Back Up Plan WHILE finishing law school, because I have always wanted my cake and ate it, too. In other words, I don't tend to let things happen TO me. I tend to plan for things to happen BECAUSE of me. Sidney is, of course, an equally CAN DO and WILL DO kind of person. In other words, we believe we can affect our futures (an internal locus of control, as opposed to people who believe the world does things to them, or external locus of control).

The success of the COAST is now more than a Possibility; success is now verging on Probability.

We are making steady progress in our research plan for the COAST.

COMPLETED:
(A) Wrote and edited the COAST, both the full COAST and the CORE FOUR and Supplemental Eight versions and the administration manual. Developed the Student Profile form and visual graph system.

(B) Met Kate Panacionne. Kate provided some incredibly relevant and useful feedback on the earliest version of the COAST, and has since become a close friend. Kate plans to develop a teacher's edition of the COAST for her doctoral dissertation.

(C) Met with Dr. David Amaral and Dr. Peter Mundy of the MIND Institute. This was a cold call that turned into a very warm reception (see my previous blog entry on February 17, 2013: Magic Happens). Dr. Amaral suggested we contact Dr. Eric Fombonne. So...

(D) We contacted Dr. Eric Fombonne at OHSU (see my April blog entry: The Generosity of Strangers). Dr. Fombonne agreed to help us conduct our preliminary research, and his wife, Dr. Arlene Hagen, will also join the research party. Dr. Hagen directs the Child Development and Rehabilitation Clinic at OHSU.

(E) Wrote and submitted the research plan and Institutional Review Board (IRB) application. The IRB has asked for additional information, which we have supplied. Approval is anticipated in the next few months.

(F) Developed all related documents for the research project: Letters of Support, recruitment letters, permission forms, FERPA and HIPAA release forms, instructions, and thank you letters.


NEXT STEPS:
As soon as the OHSU Internal Review Board gives final approval for out Human Subjects Research, the flood gates of work will open, to include:

(1) Contact and confirm participation in the study of 120 parents of children without identified disabilities, aged 6 through 18. We'll be advertising in several media venues in the Eugene area, we have a commitment from an Oregon Pediatrician to approach the parents in her practice, and with OHSU's letterhead lending an air of credibility to the research project, I will again approach the local school districts for participation.

OHSU has assumed the job of gathering parents of children identified as being on the Autism spectrum AND parents of children with severe emotional disturbances (but not Autistic).

If you, dear reader, have ideas about contacting parents in Oregon to participate (OR if you yourself live in Oregon and have children aged 6 to 18), I'd love to hear from you! I'll make the comments section private, and you can leave a comment for me to contact you.

(2) Provide the survey forms and instructions to the participating parents. We will purchase copies of the ASRS and ABAS from the publishers, and of course provide copies of the COAST to each participant. 

(3) COLLECT THE DATA!!

(4) Analyze the data.

(5) Write the research report describing the project, the data, and the analysis of the effectiveness of the COAST in identifying children on the Autism Spectrum, AND what level of Autism

(6) Wait for the world to beat a path to our door...  But, because we are both "internal locus of control" people, we'll take some steps to clear that pathway. And line it with landing lights. And neon arrows. And a huge "WELCOME" mat. We'll submit a proposal to speak at a number of professional conferences, including conferences for pediatricians, psychiatrists and psychologists, and special educators. We will also be writing several grant applications to continue our research on the COAST, and will be contacting educational publishing companies to discuss distributing the various forms of the COAST.

Stay tuned!

Recovery

Conversation. Connection.

I've been in Alaska since Wednesday, heading home today. A friend posted that time and distance are great healers, providing an opportunity to reflect. And I have been reflecting. and meditating. 

I'm not quite sure how events spiraled so quickly toward dissolution last month. We are both very busy, very tired, and very stressed. Maybe we both just snapped at the same time, and couldn't find a handhold to climb out of the crevasse of our emotions. 

At any rate, we are talking now. really talking. and though our paths look to be diverging, and pretty soon, the talking means we can be rational and accepting. 

Lessons 

stuttering babysteps and false starts
opened wide the windows to my heart
You watched as I planned my restart
… life as loving art

backing away in careful stages
your goodbyes built in gentle phases
Our book is left with empty pages
… Love’s Sacred spaces

one night’s cold snap exposed growing fears
one week’s silence and too many tears
Now and forever and through the years
… Gone, but love is near

learning new lessons, day after day
silence does not mean nothing to say
Under a full moon our shadows play
… loving, come what may

kim
november 9, 2013

Gam zeh ya'avor (again)

Good things end. Sometimes good things last so long, you forget that they will end. They end anyway. 

But an end of a good thing does not mean the beginnings and middles were wrong. Or even that the ending should be avoided.

I was surprised and thrilled to find love nearly four years ago. We spent the first three weeks of our friendship assuring each other that this WAS NOT a "relationship," that neither of us wanted a relationship, that we were over all that. 

And then we spent time assuring each other that it would not last, but that while it did, it was sure good.

And I was surprised and pleased each morning to awake and find that he was still here.

Pretty soon, now, I will wake one morning and he will be gone. And I am at peace with that (finally), after a month of letting go of ego and anger and sadness that nearly overwhelmed me, and allowing the wrong poem to escape (which turned out to be the right poem after all), and actually hearing what he was saying. Now, I am at peace. 

I'm going to enjoy the rest of the time we have together, and then I will wish him well. I hope that is not the end of a deep and meaningful friendship; I'll just have to take that one step at a time, when the time comes.

But everything ends. I am grateful for a slow and gentle end. 

I have a poem on this, but I preface its posting by saying "Life is good." I wrote the poem after more than a week of silent, solitary sadness, when every attempt at communication – on both sides – quickly swirled to misunderstanding and disconnection. 

I tried to write a hopeful and grateful poem, because that is what I wanted to feel. But that's not how my poetry works. When it's right, it flows out with almost no fiddling or construction. So the poem that finally emerged was not nearly as hopeful as I wanted. Instead, the poem that finally appeared was full of angst and anger and ego, which I was trying to let go. When I wrote the poem, I had given up. But writing the poem allowed me to finally let it all go, and settle back down into peace.

I have heard what he has to say, and I think I understand. He has heard me, and perhaps he also understands. I don't think the outcome is going to change, but getting to the end will not be so painful now. But the end is coming. 

Because everything ends.  


Up In Smoke


Bridges burning behind you,
your flames consuming all insight
There's nothing left for me to do
No reason now for us to fight.    

Love laid honestly before you

You are not wrong but you're not right;
Though you say it's not me it's you
my soul’s curled in a ball too tight.

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – go make it
My trust is gone I can't fake it
I’m afraid that we won’t make it.

You swim in your doubts and fears
and assign their cause to me,
Even after all these years
you don’t feel safe here with me

You push away as I hold you near
I can’t pretend that hurt’s undone
The truth rings out strong and clear
We can’t silence the bell that's rung

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – so make it
Though my love remains I forsake it
I don't believe that we can make it

Four years of gentle laughing love
The morning’s Joy that you remained
Now days of Stress to be free of
And each morning’s sadness the same

There's nothing in our past I'd lose, 
nothing I'd do differently
No other man for me to choose
to love or be in love with me.

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – so make it
A wild critter’s love, I won’t cage it
Friendship’s hand, and I will take it.

Kim
October 25, 2013

Letting go...

One of my favorite literary "scenes" is the conversation between two late Autumn leaves clinging to their tree, discussing life after death. The scene takes place in Bambi's woods, in the novel Bambi, A Life in the Woods by Felix Salten. It is the novel on which Walt Disney based the more familiar Bambi stories.

Salten's novel is, like most books, better than the movie. 

I'm coming to the end of something in my life, and walk twice daily through Willamette University's leaf piles, which had me thinking about letting go...

Letting go...

Dangling leaf holds tight
Hearing voices gone before
Leaps with all her might

New gig, new rig.

New gig...

I cannot believe how much fun law school is. Though the staff, professors, and 2Ls (Second Year Law students) put forth a concerted effort to warn us about how hard it will be and how very little time we will have for family and friends, and here are the numbers for Lawyer Therapists, and on and on. 

I am doing the "part time" program, which means it will take me four years instead of three. It also means that I only have three classes this term where everyone else has five. I can see how five classes would mean zero time for anything but eating, sleeping, reading, and attending class. 

Three classes is a very reasonable workload. 

I started school August 5, though "real law school" didn't start until August 26th. Willamette offers a two week, 7 hours a day, Intro to Law School course (which we quickly began calling "Fake Law School"). There were 49 of us, about a third of the incoming class. The course was free, all supplies provided. Our time was spent with two professors: one focused on teaching us law school skills (reading a case, reducing it to the nuggets of facts (case brief), outlining courses, studying for exams) and the second focused on teaching us the basics of criminal law as it applies to Murder and all the lesser included offenses (manslaughter, negligence, self-defense). We practiced the student behaviors on the murder topic. At the end, we had a "Fake Law Exam" which will be graded and returned to us. Very fun stuff. By the end, half of us were prosecutors and half were defense attorneys, negotiating a plea agreement for a woman who killed her abusive husband. 

Then we had three full days of Orientation. I was skeptical that any school would need three days to orient students to a program, and feared that this would be a great big waste of time. But it was not. Three days learning how to log in to the variety of tools available to us, learning about the Attorney/Student mentor program, learning the nuances of student loans, learning the basics of law (think: SchoolHouse Rock, How a Bill Becomes A Law").

And then, August 26, Real Law School. Real. Law. School. 

New Rig.

But early Saturday morning, the weekend before my first Real Day at school, I stepped out of bed to yell at the dogs to stop barking. Stepped out like I've done approximately 18,410 times before. On my toes, lower my heel. And Pop. Something went Pop. Accompanied by a quick electric shock. I have felt that before, though much stronger, when I ruptured my Achilles Tendon.

To the ER, and three hours later learned I had not broken my ankle, but I had torn a ligament. Ligaments keep the bones together so they can do their job. 

Monday morning, bright and early (*), a little floaty from pain meds, my crutches and I head to the train station. The train pulls into Salem at 6:42 AM, and Willamette is right across the street. No problem, I can swing over there and crutch up the road to the Bishop Wellness Center. I was hoping they had Knee Scooters to loan out. Halfway there, I just couldn't go any farther. So I took a break and leaned against a lamp post. Pretty shortly, Mike the Groundskeeper rolled by in his go-cart gardening rig and gave me a ride the rest of the way. Thank you Mike!! The BWC did not have a Knee Scooter to loan. But the PA-C looked at my ankle and said, "Yep, ligament." So then I caught a ride with Joe the Campus Security officer across campus to the law school (thank you Joe!!). After class, I got a cab to the Pacific Medical Supply Company on Commercial and rented a Knee Scooter ($75 for the month).

Here's my new rig.

Now, I scoot around school, my 124 pound backpack hanging on the handles. Pretty slick.

Tuesday morning, the first day of Legal Research and Writing, the professor asked for bids for the honor to start the sign in sheet each day. I asked what value that might have, so I could properly judge the value of my opening bid. He said that attending the class AND passing the class were minimum requirements to earning a JD. Don't show up one to many times, and you have to take the class over, even if you turned in all the work and earned passing marks on the assignments. Signing the sheet is the only verification that you've been in class. The person who starts the sheet is guaranteed to never miss signing in. 

Oh. That's quite important. I asked what winning bids had been in the past. Plates of cookies, stuff like that. 

Okay. I offered him a ride on my scooter. A chuckle. He asked if there were any other bids. One girl said she didn't want to bid because she kind of wanted to see him ride the scooter. The rest of the class agreed; I won.  So, Professor Edward Harri, a very renowned attorney and famous instructor of legal writing, scooted around the class on my scooter. A short ride. But very fun. 

Pretty soon now, I will post the photos and stories from my summer trip to England. But right now, I have to go finish packing the books and knicknacks (paddywhack, give the dog a bone) in my office and bedrooms so the carpet layers can move furniture and install new carpet TOMORROW!! oh, and I have to do some homework and studying for law school!

(*) I'm taking the Amtrak Train to school and the Amtrak bus home each day. The train leaves Eugene at 5:30 AM, arriving in Salem at 6:42. The "4:35 bus" has NEVER been on time, in fact has never been within 30 minutes of being on time, so I usually get to Eugene around 7:00. Before I blew out my ankle, my commute was: Drive over my hill and park the truck. Bike in to the train station, lock the bike and off to Salem. Return, unlock the bike, ride back to the truck, put the bike on the rack and drive home, usually arriving around 8:00. So, I spent the summer researching electric bike motors and found one I loved. The motor kit arrived Monday after I tore my ligament. I won't be able to use it until November or December. But when I can ride again, I can leave the truck at home. The motor will get me over the hill, then my own power to get to the station. Exercise, Fresh Air, and zero parking fees or gas bill.