Gam zeh ya'avor (again)

Good things end. Sometimes good things last so long, you forget that they will end. They end anyway. 

But an end of a good thing does not mean the beginnings and middles were wrong. Or even that the ending should be avoided.

I was surprised and thrilled to find love nearly four years ago. We spent the first three weeks of our friendship assuring each other that this WAS NOT a "relationship," that neither of us wanted a relationship, that we were over all that. 

And then we spent time assuring each other that it would not last, but that while it did, it was sure good.

And I was surprised and pleased each morning to awake and find that he was still here.

Pretty soon, now, I will wake one morning and he will be gone. And I am at peace with that (finally), after a month of letting go of ego and anger and sadness that nearly overwhelmed me, and allowing the wrong poem to escape (which turned out to be the right poem after all), and actually hearing what he was saying. Now, I am at peace. 

I'm going to enjoy the rest of the time we have together, and then I will wish him well. I hope that is not the end of a deep and meaningful friendship; I'll just have to take that one step at a time, when the time comes.

But everything ends. I am grateful for a slow and gentle end. 

I have a poem on this, but I preface its posting by saying "Life is good." I wrote the poem after more than a week of silent, solitary sadness, when every attempt at communication – on both sides – quickly swirled to misunderstanding and disconnection. 

I tried to write a hopeful and grateful poem, because that is what I wanted to feel. But that's not how my poetry works. When it's right, it flows out with almost no fiddling or construction. So the poem that finally emerged was not nearly as hopeful as I wanted. Instead, the poem that finally appeared was full of angst and anger and ego, which I was trying to let go. When I wrote the poem, I had given up. But writing the poem allowed me to finally let it all go, and settle back down into peace.

I have heard what he has to say, and I think I understand. He has heard me, and perhaps he also understands. I don't think the outcome is going to change, but getting to the end will not be so painful now. But the end is coming. 

Because everything ends.  


Up In Smoke


Bridges burning behind you,
your flames consuming all insight
There's nothing left for me to do
No reason now for us to fight.    

Love laid honestly before you

You are not wrong but you're not right;
Though you say it's not me it's you
my soul’s curled in a ball too tight.

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – go make it
My trust is gone I can't fake it
I’m afraid that we won’t make it.

You swim in your doubts and fears
and assign their cause to me,
Even after all these years
you don’t feel safe here with me

You push away as I hold you near
I can’t pretend that hurt’s undone
The truth rings out strong and clear
We can’t silence the bell that's rung

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – so make it
Though my love remains I forsake it
I don't believe that we can make it

Four years of gentle laughing love
The morning’s Joy that you remained
Now days of Stress to be free of
And each morning’s sadness the same

There's nothing in our past I'd lose, 
nothing I'd do differently
No other man for me to choose
to love or be in love with me.

You need a different place – so take it
you need a different space – so make it
A wild critter’s love, I won’t cage it
Friendship’s hand, and I will take it.

Kim
October 25, 2013