As 2009 draws to a close, I have been reflecting on several threads of thought and conversations – from this past week and the past year – which have recently begun to weave together into a focus...
A while back, Sara and I had a conversation about "What is love?" and recently, girlfriends wondered if I was dating yet. Chats with another friend have touched on winning and competition within a friendship, or a marriage.
Merging with these thoughts are conversations with Jake about making friends. Jake believes that reality is the great litmus test: If someone sees who he is and doesn't like that, it is good to know up front so he can move on to find someone more suited to a friendship with him. So much harder (but ultimately more simple) than contorting to fit what you think the other wants and needs.
He and I are fans of the original Dune novels -- a maxim from the books which Jake lives daily is "Fear is the mind-killer." We can sit in the dark in fear, or step out (still afraid) and see what happens next. I've done both. I guess mathematically, it makes sense to step out and see what happens. Something will. And you've got the fear with you no matter what.
Then, talks about buddhism, meditation, philosophy, and the converging thoughts between several important belief systems (and described in the Dalai Lama conversation "Destructive Emotions") are helping me understand that strong desires or overpowering pride can create a negative vortex. Ambition, planning, hopes, love -- all these can be very good emotions and tools. But each also can lead to actions that are not helpful. And can actually get in the way of seeing the beauty in front of us now.
Jake's Axiom #4 is a perfect summation: The means don't justify the ends.
I think, maybe, love is about balance. Not about "completing" another, but about being in balance with another. So maybe love is a partnership where each partner "wins" – where they are not in competition with each other. And where each reflects back the best in the other.
And, no, I am not dating yet. But if I do, I think I'll be aware of what I need in a relationship, and where I might go wrong. Not cautious or afraid. Just aware.
I am enjoying deep and meaningful friendships, something I wasn't really good at until recently. Maybe I was so unbalanced, I couldn't really reach out for fear of tipping over. Maybe I was afraid of being rejected. Maybe I was too practiced at holding it all in. At any rate, I am happy now. And maybe more importantly, I am content.
May you all find peace and balance in your own lives...
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