Words to live by...

I've been in Anchorage the past three days, co-leading a training to 60+ educators. Good people, interesting work. As I was packing for the trip, Jake called. Now and then, Jake will call late at night, and we'll have a classic sherman conversation -- wide-ranging and full of tangents that all seem to link back to some central theme. or two or three.

Jake is a researcher of human motivations -- Sara has said that he is like an alien sent to research Humans. Jake is very skilled in analyzing motivations and avoidances in others, and has developed an amazing list of Axioms to describe his discoveries (which seem to be corollaries of his tag line "--Don't be afraid.")

One of his Axioms is "Nothing changes for no reason." I think that is true. Sometimes, a change will be beyond one's control; what is within one's control is how one responds to that change. But I suspect that most of the changes in my life were influenced by my own actions (and sometimes by my inactions). And I do tend to have an always current, often updated, 5 year plan.

Jake and I have also been talking about careers. My advice to him has been to think in terms of doing something that is interesting to him for 2 to 5 years, and then look around for something more interesting. Could be in the same field, or a sharp left turn.

Sort of like my own career. I didn't start out 25 years ago with an ambitious goal to be a university professor and an expert in assessing students with severe cognitive delays. I kept chasing interesting opportunities: working with children from abuse, teaching, systems change, teacher coaching, state consulting, state level work, teacher preparation teaching, district level administration, and finally here. I paused for 2 to 5 years at each waystation; although all are in education, each step and project and job was a little fork in the road.

Jake is writing again (one of his paths), and is making plans to live in China for awhile, teaching English and learning Mandarin. And, I suspect, studying the humans there...

Two more of Jake's axioms that feel true to me:

"Do something that scares you."

and "The means don't justify the ends."

"Don't be afraid" is sort of his anchoring philosophy; I have witnessed Jake's bravery and never cease to be impressed with him. And though I am not yet without fear, I have been learning to move ahead anyway.

Good enough for now, for me...

Moving on

Sara and I switched our cell phone service on Friday, from ATT to Verizon (but our cell numbers are the same as before).

We used to be on Verizon, until Dave got the iPhone a year before our divorce. ATT is an inferior service provider, but because he switched, I was stuck with ATT until this past August, when the two-year contract finally ended. ATT has zero service at my house. Verizon has full service.

So we switched. And upgraded our phones. Sara has the Envy, a touch-screen beauty with a flip top and good sized keyboard, and beautiful resolution. I upgraded to the Blackberry, a smart-phone which receives email and internet. It's not the iPhone, but a very good second. And President Obama has a Blackberry. There are rumors that Verizon may sign a deal with Apple to carry the iPhone, so I can wait.

It is a small thing, choosing my own cell service and getting cool phones, but it is one more step away from my past. And now, when I am chain-sawing, I can call 9-1-1 from any corner of my property.

Moving On

Each step

each decision

each change in my life

takes me further away

from who I was.

Further from anger

and resentment

and blame.

Toward a deeper understanding

of my purpose and my path

of my values and my self.

Kim

October 27, 2009

The best things in life are free...

James Taylor sings a song called "That's why I'm here" about purpose and connection and helping -- I've been thinking lately about why I am here. And about cost versus value.

My priorities seem the same now as 20+ years ago: Jake and Sara, extended family, friends. And though I really enjoy the work I do for the UO and for Alaska, work is a means to an end. I am lucky enough to be fully employed, to earn good money, to live in a beautiful place and to have the critters I adore. But work is not why I'm here.

Though I earn enough to pay my bills (usually) and do some fun things with Jake and Sara now and then, I'm scaling back on the extra stuff. Each time I have a choice between a pretty new dress or a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant or time with Jake or Sara or friends, I consider my priorities. Jake and Sara always win that consideration, and friends are a very close second.

But I am discovering ways to do really fun things for free -- Sara and I listened to the Bonnie Raitt concert at the Cuthbert in early September. Just behind the ampitheater's fence is a very large grassy field. We took the Wolfhounds and one of the Jacks and sat under the stars enjoying the music. With about a hundred like-minded folks. And I was able to watch the Ducks walk all over the Bears at Autzen stadium, again for free. I helped Michelle as a volunteer food server in the Clubhouse; the hours I worked were credited to Michelle's son for soccer travel.

And the money I save helps Jake and Sara.

And that's why I'm here.

A Cabin in the Woods

laughter in the breeze

sunshine caught in golden leaves

redtailed squirrel's joy

l'Shanah Tovah

The time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is an opportunity for Jews to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged. A chance to say "I'm sorry, and I love you." Tonight is the start of Yom Kippur; on this day, Jews fast in order to become closer to G-d, and we petition G-d to forgive us from our promises and our transgressions. (See "Kol Nidrei" in Wikipedia for an interesting summary of the difficulties this has caused Jews in the past...)

The weeks following the "Days of Awe" (Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur), Jews begin to rejoice in the "Days of Joy" (Sukkot and Simchat Torah) – celebrations of the cycle of life and the cycle of the Torah.

A friend and I have been e-chatting about the similarities between prayer and journal writing, and in my case, meditation. Each affords quiet time to reflect and to reach some self-understandings. Sometimes, we reflect on aspects of our past that we wish we could have done over, done better.

And he described a cycle in adult relationships that feels true: "...defining oneself, losing oneself, reclaiming oneself... until the next wave, the next merging..."

Waves

Sometimes,
late at night
as I snuffle through

a sappy chick flick
  

I pause
and wonder
I maybe shoulda
I coulda woulda
  

Blink back
memories
hardened to his needs
too stressed to feel
  

I stop
and admit
that I made mistakes,
though I did my best 
  

Wipe dry
regret’s tears
life is what it is
what will it become?
  

And smile
inner joy
thoughts of those I love
I face the new day.
  

Today is one of my favorite days...

Although 9/11 has taken on an ominous meaning, for our family it is a day of joy -- Jake was born on 9/11.

Sometimes, Nature and Man seem to conspire to put a damper on joy; Jake's special day seems to be primed for that conspiracy. On 9/11/92, Hurricane Iniki (a category 4 storm) hit Hawai'i. We lived on the Windward side of O'ahu, and had minimal damage, though Kaua'i was devastated. Jake's 5-year-old birthday party was postponed, while neighbor helped neighbor prepare for the storm -- taping windows, bringing in lawn furniture, double checking our hurricane supply boxes. We made it up to him later that month.

Then, the morning of his 14th birthday, he awoke to a world gone a little dark, and his parents immobilized to the news reports. We did manage to pull ourselves together in time to take him to dinner with another friend who shared his birthdate. And a trip to Borders. We had his 14 1/2 birthday party on March 11th.

Now, Jake is 22, happily employed in Seattle with football season here.

22. wow.

good times.

The Scenic Route

A recent topic of conversation with Sara focused on children, parents, and parenting. She said "You get the kids you deserve." I said, "You get the kids you mold and nurture."

Perhaps it is the same thing.

Perhaps that is true of life events, too -- you get the life you deserve, because it is the life you grow and nurture.

Here

How did I end up here?

Which here?

How did I end up . . .

in Eugene?
single after a lifetime married?
alone?

The short answer is “Because.”

The long answer starts with a question:
“Where else could I have ended, so I can (re)begin?”

Is there divine intervention, or a preordained path that guides me?

Or do I make my own fate? and when did that fate begin?

The two-year-old baby who became Jake once asked me:

if he had been born to another mother,
how long did I think it would have been
until I found him?

. . . . a beautiful thought . . . . .

Maybe we choose our fate before we are born.

Maybe we choose our fate when we choose our values
and (despite temptations) live those values day by day

integrity
honesty
consistent hard work
compassion

love.

So that, when our road seems to dead-end,
those values light an alternate path

lined with friends

paved with a reputation

landscaped with possibilities.

and So. Here I am. here is where I am supposed to be today.

Tomorrow? that’s another story…

. Kim
. August, 2009

Summer

A dear old friend visited for two days... reminiscing, making sense of life's events, and accepting. One of my worries, as I contemplated divorce a while back, was that friends I've known for 30 years would not understand or would not care to understand, and would "choose sides."

So far, that hasn't been the case. I am filled with a serenity and a sense of belonging.

Sitting on my deck, enjoying the wildlife and the domestic critters that inhabit my little slice of Eugene, my life is pretty nearly perfect.

Summer Peace

breathe deep, summer air
golden warmth caresses me
bare skin rejoices