Conversations

I'm sitting at the Mission Mill in Salem, participating in an Oregon Leadership Network institute called "Culturally Competent Instructional Leadership for Equity" -- a fancy title for a key concept: how do we remove barriers so that each of our students, each of our staff, each of our neighbors, feels safe and respected? And is able to achieve their own dreams?

My friend, Yvonne Curtis, just finished an excellent session around having Courageous Conversations about race and equity. She asked us to reflect on her presentation... I think she meant for us to start an action plan/to do list for when we return to our schools and organizations.  Lately, that word -- "reflection" -- triggers my right brain into hyperdrive. And now that I think about it, this idea about open and honest conversations is useful in other parts of my life, too.  

Now.

It is up to me

   today

   right now

to have uncomfortable conversations 

to ask a difficult question 

(and hear difficult answers):

   Why is this the way it is?

  

And it is up to us

   to build the trust

   to listen without defenses

to take baby steps

   first me

   then you

   until there is a stampede

and the earth shakes 

with the power of our hopes.

ABCs of me

A friend sent one of those "getting to know you" queries -- the 26 letters of the alphabet, each with a specific detail one is supposed to supply. A = Age, B = Bed, C= Chore you hate... like that. 

My ABCs came out - well - outside the box... After I wrote this, I figured out what I was supposed to have done, and I did one of those too.  

ABCs of me

Almost free,
but for the 
chains of love
designed to 
envelope 
forever that which is 
Good and
Hopeful
in my 
jumbled
Kafkaesque
life,
my heart is
newly
opened,
praising the 
quintessential
raw 
spirit which had been
trapped,
unseen, under-
valued (by me). Now
wakened, I know that
Xanadu lives inside me,
yearning to leap out in a 
zany dance celebration of Life and Love.

(I have let it out of its box.)

ABCs -- with rules

ABCs of Kim

A - Age: 48 years, 9 months

B - Bed size: KING!!! Very tall King. I have a step stool next to it (see H=height).

C - Chore you hate: "cleaning the garage, again"

D - Dogs' names:. Lana Lang, Strider, Genevieve (jeni), Miss Molly, and Maggie Rose

E - Essential start your day item: Coffee

F - Favorite color: peacock (teal)

G - Gold or Silver: Gold

H - Height: 5'3"

I - Instruments you play: Kazoo. and I'm fiddling with a flute.

J - Job title: 1) Assistant Director, Administrative Licensure Program; 2) Project Manager, Alaska Alternate Assessment; 3) Co-Creator, Outside the Box Consulting, 4) Mom.

K - Kid(s): Yes, two (see J. 4.).

L - Living arrangements: Still living.

M - Mom's name: Birth mom: Kay. Mom-mom: Marchelle

N - Nicknames: Kimala, kimi, ma

O - Outrageous idea: Alone is not at all lonely.

P - Pet Peeve: Toilet seat left up

Q - Quote from a movie: "As you wish..."

R - Right or left handed: Both.

S - Shakespeare Play: Midsummer Night's Dream

T - Time you wake up: 6 or 7

U - Underwear: Pretty, in case I'm in a car accident.

V - Vegetable you dislike: squash

W - Ways you run late: actually, I saunter. Probably why I'm late.

X - X-rays you've had: neck, spine, shoulder, teeth, ankle, boob-o-grams

Y - Yummy food you make: bread

Z - Zoo favorite: When my kids were little, they took an ASL class. The final field trip was at the Honolulu Zoo, sans speaking. I was one of the parent chaperones. 20 kids, aged 5 to 9, walking around the zoo with two teachers, enthusiastically expressing themselves in sign language. I didn't look at the four-legged critters that day. When I'm not following bilingual children, the Sea Otters are my favorites.

Family Venn Diagrams

Hiking near Crater Lake, Spring 2004

Dave and I are no longer married, but we continue to share Jake and Sara. This means our Venn Diagrams will continue to overlap. I'm good with that, because in those instances, the event should be about Jake and Sara, and not about Dave or Me.

Dave, sadly, seems painfully awkward in those brief encounters. I am truly sorry for that. A few weekends ago, we both saw Jake perform in his Senior Thesis Project, a play called The Woman in Black. I had three members of my large extended Seattle Family with me, and Sara. Dave had thought he'd see the matinee, because we were scheduled for the 7:00 show. He must have changed his mind, or forgotten. He also attended the 7:00 show. I'd sure love to get to the point where we are both comfortable around each other.

In January, we had a similar encounter at another family event in Portland. Dave came late; I was already there. He stayed 10 minutes, made polite excuses, and left. That event led me to a night-long reflection, starting with fury and ending in forgiveness. And a poem:

Thanks Giving – a poem of divorce

I looked deeply into your eyes, looking for me
and recoiled when I saw the person that you see.

How did this happen? How did your mirror of my soul
grow so cracked and ugly? A funhouse distortion.

If this is whom you see, then how can I blame you
for us ending this way, true love un-true.

Take care, my husband, as you travel your own road;
I release you from our ever-after bond
and watch with pride the gift of our life’s work –
as two children, grown, walk ahead of us
into the sunrise of a new day.

Be safe, my friend, I treasure our long years
tedium, crisis, laughter and joy, pain and tears.

When we come around again, may we meet again
wiser and kinder, different yet the same …
with unbroken mirrors reflecting true
a stronger me and a gentler you.

Breitenbush Haiku

deep in silent thought

snowy laughter on my nose

sacred warm waters 


I spent January 2nd through the 4th at Breitenbush, a meditation/retreat center in the Cascades, warmed by natural hot springs. My business partner and I spent the weekend in a meditation retreat, and did some serious business planning in the evenings (we were very quiet, because it was supposed to be a silent retreat, a fact we learned only when we arrived). It snowed all three days. The very best start to a new year I've had, ever. And this year promises to be an amazing journey for me. 

Life is good.

25 things about me

25. My brother describes our childhood as "feral children" -- and that pretty much is true.

24. My brother and sister and I have had pet water moccasins and once we had a pet cottonmouth. Two of the more deadly snake species to be found in the continental US.

23. We hand fed the cottonmouth, believing him to be toothless. Months into his captivity, we saw him unhinge his fangs. I don't know why we are all still alive.

22. In high school, my sister and I concocted an idea to raise money for our speech/debate team -- a "Babbleathon." Pledges per hour of nonstop talking, we aimed to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. We sat in front of the local grocery store, day and night during spring break. I broke the record (6 days and some hours), but because my mother was one of the officials, we weren't put in the book. I slept for three days straight after that.

21. As a teacher, I was the first in my Hawaii school district to realize how cool the internet was going to be for teaching (and that was back when it was all embedded folders, before Mozilla came out with a graphical interface...). Our home internet connection was one of the first 5 home services on Hawaii's fledgling pixi.com

20. I dabble in three languages beyond English and have a goal to become conversational in at least two of them. Probably Spanish and Hebrew.

19. I used to get my hackles up when I was introduced as "Dave's wife, Kim" and then really steamed when the "Kim" was dropped and I was just "Dave's wife." Then my kids came along and I was "Jake and Sara's mom". No other introduction needed, I think that is all I will have on my headstone. They are my best work (and I didn't really do that much -- I just worked hard to not mess it up).

18. You all probably know this, but I do enjoy animals. And have my own petting zoo. Currently 15 (or more, they keep making babies) llamas, a 37 year old mare about to die who just died; her young friend, a 28 year old gelding (still living); 2 Irish Wolfhounds; 2 Jack Russells; and a Pitbull X Lab pup. Currently, no snakes.

17. I took a wilderness survival course as a PE credit in undergrad years, and survived three days with little more than the clothes on my back and a small emergency pack in the Sierras in November.

16. Butchering animals doesn't bother me (I've helped).

15. Death doesn't bother me. Though I do want to hang around long enough to bear witness to the journeys my kids are about to begin.

14. I've been target shooting with 6 different guns, including a .357 and .454. I want to learn to shoot a shotgun and a rifle. I'd like to hunt something.

13. I have a long list of things I'm going to learn to do: Parachute jump, fly a plane (in that order...), sail a boat, ride a motorcycle to name a few.

12. I'm going to take a welding class. I'd like to build a decorative entry gate.

11. I plan to hike a significant portion of the Pacific Crest Trail with my irish wolfhounds.

10. I plan to ride a significant part of the Oregon Trail on horseback.

9. I will (co)write at least one book (Michelle???).

8. I believe that opportunities I build with and for other people are way more fun than solo ventures.

7. I am still looking for the perfect property -- 40 180 or more acres (hey, as long as I'm dreaming... right?), oak forest, year-round creek or river. I dream of having a small cabin in the woods, and developing some of the property as a meditation / retreat / wedding facility.

6. My favorite artists are Monet and Van Gogh (Water Lilies and Starry Night, though Sunflowers is a close third). 

5. I love to garden, and prefer sort of a wild and naturalized design. With the vegies intermixed with the ornamentals.

4. I once allowed myself to weigh 220 pounds. It took 8 months to lose 70 of those pounds. That was 4 years ago. Now it's time to lose the other 30...

3. My "first marriage" lasted 27 years.

2. There will never be a second marriage -- I am really enjoying living on my own. 

1. My new year's resolutions this year were to develop better balance and peace in my own life, and to find old friends and catch up. So far, so good... Oh yeah, and the resolution that is on the list every year -- improve my handwriting. Oh well, can't win them all!

Butterfly and Good Omens

We saw a Fender's Blue Butterfly (left) in my woods this morning. The Fender's Blue was thought to be extinct until they were re-discovered in 1986. A small critter, wingspan about an inch wide, they rely on Oregon Prairie wildflowers, including Kincaid's Lupine (right).

Silver Star by William Stafford

****

To be a mountain you have to climb alone

and accept all that rain and snow. You have to look

far away when evening comes. If a forest

grows, you care; you stand there leaning against 

the wind, waiting for someone with faith enough

to ask you to move. Great stones will tumble

against each other and gouge your sides. A storm 

will live somewhere in your canyons hoarding its lightning.

If you are lucky, people will give you a dignified 

name and bring crowds to admire how sturdy you are,

how long you can hold still for the camera. And some time, 

they say, if you last long enough you will hear god;

a voice will roll down from the sky and all your patience

will be rewarded. The whole world will hear it: "Well done."

****

Palimpsest

I participated in a facilitated conversation about race and discrimination, hosted by Yvonne Curtis and Eugene 4J school district. At one point, a poem called "Silver Star" by William Stafford, was read, and we were asked to reflect and respond. Many found points in the poem that rang true for them.

I found myself disagreeing -- I decided that I don't need to be "lucky and have people give me a dignified name". I realized that the truth of me is true about me even if the people in my circles don't know it, even if the name they give me is not dignified, even if they don't know *me*. And that if I know who I am, and make each decision and take each action based on that truth, eventually others may come to know it too.

But that part isn't necessary to my happiness. Nice to have, but not essential. My rebuttal:

Palimpsest

The truth of me is true about me
even if nobody else knows it.

The mask I wear, spun of mist and air,
shields the soul that owns it.

Reflections abound, mirrored sight and sound,
bent by the glass that shows it;

Step through the maze, wipe away the haze
to reveal the truth below it:

The soul of me is the whole of me
even if I choose never to show it.

Folded and bent, my soul’s light spent,
I sought a guide to restore it.

The seed of peace (and love’s release)

needs a gentle breath to sow it.

Warmed by the sun, anchors and ties undone, 

the cradling earth below it;

Roots entwine as tendrils unwind,
the soul of the bloom will know it:

The truth of me is true about me

and I am unafraid to show it.

March 11, 2009

Kaleidoscope

I've been thinking lately that the people in my life are like colored glass beads, and when they overlap in some random Venn Diagram way, the colors and patterns are influenced by the others in that space at that time. Still individual and uniquely colored, but the whole is different than the sum of its parts.

Like this:

Kaleidoscope

My daughter is the color
of sunshine at dawn –
flowing through gaps in
the mountains to fill the world
with light
and warmth
and hope –
Golden yellow.

My son is the color
of the water in Turtle Bay at noon –
warm and calm
gently rising and falling
reflecting the land and sky
concealing riches below –
Emerald green.

My friends are the color
of the summer sky at dusk –
as the pinks and reds and purples of day
fade toward peaceful night;
the spectrum of friendship
a backdrop of velvet
in sunlight and starshine –
Sapphire blue.

My love is the color
of the full moon at midnight
rich and round and full of peace
smiling with the promise of new days
casting moonshadows along the open road
and beckoning me into the unknown
Silvery lumen

I am the color
of clouds on a summer’s eve –
(No longer gray and dark, filled with rain and sorrow)
now long white streaks of misted brushstrokes
stretching from edge to horizon and into my distance;
enlightened by the silvery moon,
drifting against the sapphire sky,
colored by the golden sun
and reflected in the emerald sea.

A kaleidoscope.

kim
updated April 2010

Welcome

Welcome, welcome...  

I've been exploring a variety of tools lately, partly as a forum to post the poetry that has been bubbling up from somewhere inside, partly to connect with old friends. Emails, facebook, iCal, twitter, and the old-fashioned phone are options.  I don't get Twitter (well, maybe I get it exactly, and it just isn't gonna work for what I need).  

What do I need?  Good question. 

I want a place where I can tell friends and family when I'm going out of town. Especially when I'm going out of town for a hike or camping trip. I figure it would be good if someone knew where I was going and when to expect me back. In case. 

Facebook, emails, even iCal could do that in a variety of clunky ways. Facebook not so much, because I am cautious of my kids' privacy, and the only way they can see my facebook is to be my "friend" which then exposes their pages to me. 

Emails work. But I wanted something a little fancier.

iCal is good, but I keep 5 different calendars and I can't imagine even my closest friends would want to subscribe to that much insanity.

Twitter -- well, as a friend said, "Twitter is for Twits."

So, I shall blog. Even though the same friend who disdains Twits is also un-fond of blogs...